Trains, Jesus, and Murder with Richard Beck / Transcript

Note: Can I Say This at Church is produced for audio listening. If able, I strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which has inflection, emotion, sarcasm where applicable, and emphasis for points that may not come across well in written word. This transcript is generated using a combination of my ears and software, and may contain errors. Please check the episode for clarity before quoting in print.

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Richard 0:00

I do think, you're right, I think being a prophet is is very lonely. But I think we kind of burn out a lot when our prophetic work is all just about outrage online about the current political climate. And my sense is that people that get kind of getting burnout, or tend not to be kind of local spaces with real people and real acts of kindness and compassion. And so yeah, you're just going online and you're triggered all over again, and you're just kind of like 24/7 you're in a stress response. And that's just not sustainable. So I would say shut down the social media for a week and, you know, volunteer somewhere in your local community where you're actually engaging in life giving relationships with people. And that's probably a more tangible, fulfilling way, of mending the world than just being upset all the time about what's going on on Twitter.

Seth Price 1:02

Everybody, welcome back to the show. It is almost Easter like this is the week before Easter. And a lot has changed, hasn't it? Like we can't go out. You can't be in community and love on one another at least we shouldn't be. Yeah, it unsettles me. And I'm sure it also unsettles you. So I'm thankful that we can still do things like this and have community online and just to plug one of those. I've got a Facebook group called Can I Say This At Church Honest Discussions in which I mean, it's really a good group, really good conversations, really good questions and answers and people doing life a little bit together digitally, if that's possible. And I'm really thankful for that group. In times, like what we're in now, if you're able, if that's something that you feel willing to do if in the past something in one of these episodes has really spoke to you or you walked away or listened away, thinking about something that you heard, please go over to Patreon. dot com / Can I Say This At Church or to the website and click the Patreon button, become a supporter of the show. This show is 100% Produced by them. And I am so very thankful for them. Today I spoke with Richard Beck.

Richard comes back as a second time guest on the show we spoke a long time ago I actually recorded with him I think December of 2017. About a book that he'd written at the time called Stranger God about welcoming other people about Matthew 25. And he has a new book out about Johnny Cash and if I'm honest, I don't really listen to a lot of Johnny Cash. Though I started to as I read this book and prepared for this conversation. What I found was I really liked Johnny Cash, first off, welcome to the party Seth, just really late. But what I found is the gospel is able to be delivered in so many different mediums and formats. And so what does that sound like as a prophetic voice from a country music singer? What does that sound like from a guy that sings about murder on track one, sings about his wife on track two, and then sings about shooting a guy on track three. And then maybe we do amazing grace after that. I love this convo. I hope you do. Here we go with Dr. Richard Beck.

Seth Price 3:33

Dr. Beck, welcome back to the show. We were teasing a minute ago, and it's been almost three years since I last spoke to you. So thanks for saying yes back then. I've actually listened to those old ones. I began transcribing the podcast back in like December or so and so far, I'm up to almost 800,000 words, because I'm ridiculously ill prepared for that. But I realized in listening back to the old ones, how much more comfortable I've gotten asking questions about God so thanks for bearing with me back in the day in the conversation that I liked but yeah.

Richard 4:07

Hey no worries I’m glad to be back with you.

Seth Price 4:10

Yeah I saw your face when I said transcribing it is exactly that. I did like one episode at like episode 80 something and then I realized, shoot, you can't just transcribe episode 80 something and never do it again. So whatever I was ignorant of the commitment that that was gonna take. So I wanted to say thank you for coming back on and then I just asked just for the listener so since 2017 like what's new for you? Like what have you been up to?

Richard 4:41

What did…what did we talking about back then?

Seth Price 4:45

(Laughs)

We talked about Unclean. No, we talked about Stranger God. We talked a lot about disgust, contempt about the church being afraid to put anything broken that makes us feel slightly broken up on the stage. I feel like we hovered around politics but I was afraid to talk about politics, which oddly enough we're recording this on the eve of the Democratic Super Tuesday.

We will probably still skirt it because why not? I don't know how you cannot today. But yeah, it's been a long time since I thought about that episode so I don't know exactly. All but that's the high points.

Richard 5:20

Um, well, not a lot I mean, I wrote the book I think we're talking about tonight about Johnny Cash and I'm finishing up another one right now. It is called right now that the title I was just informed by the publishers called Hunting Magic Eels.

Seth Price 5:41

Eels? Like the snake things?

Richard 5:43

Yeah, but the subtitle is Recovering An Enchanted Faith in A Skeptical Age. And that is a more descriptive title. So it's about enchantment and disenchantment stuff I kind of talked about in my book, Reviving Old Scratch, about how atheism, agnosticism, the nones, are kind of a just a general trend towards skepticism and disenchantment, right, struggling to believe in the supernatural. And I found myself being kind of an apologist for faith in my college classrooms. And so I spent a lot of time trying to kind of make an argument for faith for belief with millennials and Gen Z and so this book kind of is about that. It's about how to kind of recover the experiential aspect of faith and kind of a very skeptical age.

And Hunting Magic Eels, I think they just picked it because it's a whimsical title. But I start off the book in Wales with some friends, my friend, Hannah and my wife. We were visiting a Welsh Island, where pilgrims would come to this island because the legend was there was this well, imagine like a holy well that kind of magical eels in it. If you put a handkerchief or something in it a token from a lover, and the eels disturbed it, that would be a sign that your love would be faithful throughout life. And, yeah, so it was just this huge pilgrimage site.

So I just kind of start the book about being in this kind of very Celtic Christian place looking for this, you know, ancient holy well that had these magical eels in it. And then that just kind of begins as a counterpoint to how like the world has changed so much since that time.

But I do have a great chapter in the book about Celtic Christianity kind of their mystical bent and their embrace of nature. And so that's a big theme in the book as well, kind of a experiencing God everywhere in the world, even in the natural world. So it's about the enchantments of faith and how we're we're struggling a little bit with that and how we might recover it.

Seth Price 7:49

Is that a fun conversation? So your psychology professor for those not paying attention to the episode I think it's seven, or to the show notes because I don't think they people read those. So is that conversation getting more difficult? Like as kids come into class and you're like, oh, we're doing this again? Oh, you got a new argument. I see you're further nuanced, or is it the same thing over and over?

Richard 8:14

Like, lecturing as a college professor?

Seth Price 8:16

yeah. But when you're talking about like the disenfranchisement and the the skepticism of the students as you're trying to make a case for belief, it sounds like not necessarily Christian belief, but just belief overall, although I have a feeling you'll take that bent is that are they getting worse? Are they the same like that the arguments that they're bringing to class as the generations come and go?

Richard 8:38

I don’t know that they're coming in with arguments. But if you just kind of look at the rates of belief, and just the demographic decline in the church, it's just they're not coming in, because I'm a Christian University so the students are coming to like hardcore atheists and they're ready to argue. But it's just that their beliefs are getting more and more fragile and a lot of them you know, just statistically are going to kind of walk off from faith very quickly. And a lot are already in the process of walking off from faith and leaving church. And so it's not necessarily I'm dealing with hostility or strong counter arguments as much as that faith is kind of increasingly just kind of “whatever, I mean maybe I believe in God, maybe I don't. I don’t know that it matters.”

Seth Price 9:20

Yeah, my parents paid for me to come here so I'm here.

Richard 9:23

Yeah, it's more that kind of thing faith is getting so light so people kind of walk off from it without any sort of consequence. And just it's easy to let it go because it doesn't mean much anymore. And it's not like they're even walking towards towards like hardcore disbelief, they're walking towards maybe a spiritual but not religious stance. They might describe themselves as a group of like freakishly religious.

Seth Price 9:58

Yeah, well, that sounds fun. When does that come out? I'm excited to read that. I'm gonna preorder it because that is up my alley. That sounds that sounds fun. Not the eels so much. But the rest sounds fine.

Richard 10:08

Hey, it the title. So we'll see how it goes, magical eels.

They asked me what I think about that title and I go, “Well, people will pull off the shelf and go what's that!”

Seth Price 10:16

I'm more concerned, what's the cover look like?

Richard 10:20

Just a mass of eels or something, I don’t know. I don't try to worry myself with too much that stuff. But all that to say the rough draft is due next month, and then it will take six months to a year. So this time next year, maybe?

Seth Price 10:41

So the reason I brought you on today, and I want to say thank you, either to you or to the publisher for sending the book. I really appreciate that, it was it was a joy to read. And for those that know me well, music is like my jam. I'm the person that gets tagged in post saying hey, I need to stuff for this or stuff for this. But I've really never listened to Johnny Cash and I don't actually know why. And so as I read through your book a bit, which the title of it is Trains, Jesus, and Murder. The Gospel According to Johnny Cash, I don't want to end on murder. So I had not really listened to a lot of him and I found myself recently, just hitting play, like literally, I purchased Spotify for the sole reason so that I could do that. Because I got really tired that I couldn't pick and choose what songs because I don't like them all. But um, how did you kind of get into wanting to mix Jesus and Johnny Cash together in a book where you're like, this matters, people should pay attention to the man in black?

Richard 11:41

Yeah, I wasn't a huge fan either. I mean, I knew a little bit about him. I saw the movie, Walk the Line.

Seth Price 11:47

Great movie.

Richard 11:49

It's a great movie. And so you know, it's kinda like Americana. You know a little bit about Elvis, you know, a little bit about Johnny Cash. But anyway, I teach a Bible study. I think we've talked about this before, out of the prison on Monday nights. And couple years ago just grabbed like in a discount bin a CD Cashes live at Folsom Prison in 68. And I thought, you know, this would be great to listen to you on the way out to the Bible said, listen to this live prison concert. And so I just started listening to the album. And if you listen to it, it's just really a very different kind of album. You just hear the yelling and the stomping and cheering of the audience.

And you can just feel the gratitude that they felt for him, and the connection between Cash and that prison audience and then that obviously was reflecting a lot of what I was experiencing on Monday nights out of the prison, the gratitude, the connection I had with the prisoners. And so that just got me really interested in his music. What's this guy doing in a prison? What's this connection he has with the incarcerated.

So then I bought his follow up album Live at San Quentin started listening to that out album. So I think those two prison albums kind of hooked me right around this time. Robert Hilburn kind of published what a lot of people think is now the definitive biography about Cash. So I read the biography and then kind of listen my way through his entire career beginning and end then that made me kind of a fan. And then I just started noticing that whole time just noticing a lot of gospel connections with his music, what he did with his music, but also in his own struggles. He, if you've seen the movie or you know anything about his life, he struggled with drug addiction. So his journey toward grace, his dealing with his own inner demons, how that came out in his music was it also a big part of it? So yeah, that just kind of culminated an idea of kind of maybe telling the Gospel story through his life and his music.

Seth Price 13:48

So I want to hit on some of the high points in the book. And I remember saying this in the first episode, because I say it to many people. I don't want to give away the bulk of the book because that's just not fair. And people should buy the book. I like the chapter titles because I realized that those were songs about halfway in. And it took me about that long I realized, oh my god, you're an idiot, such an idiot. Which then if you listen to the song next to the chapter makes a whole lot more sense. But again, I'll express my ignorance. The only song that I knew, well from Johnny Cash was Hurt, and Ring of Fire. And honestly Hurt just because it was in the Wolverine trailer. (Richard laughs) And it became, I don't know if you've ever seen that movie, it was actually really good, I'm assuming you've seen it. Maybe you haven't seen it? Yeah, I don't know which one of the Wolverines it was but either way, anyway, so you talk about the use the word solidarity in the end, I think you say in there or paraphrasing that like the cross is used as an act of solidarity, like the way that Johnny Cash is ministering to people is an act of solidarity.

But when I hear solidarity, I think when most people hear solidarity, the way that you're using I don't think is the way that most people say it. So what do you mean when you're saying like the cross or you're implying that cross is like an act of solidarity or like a gospel of solidarity.

Richard 15:04

Yeah. So I mean, by solidarity, I just mean kind of standing with being with come alongside. And so you know, one way to think about the cross, a lot of people when they think about the cross are gonna think of the cross as Jesus's died on the cross for our sins. But another way to think about the cross is that the cross is kind of a compass-it's a way of locating God in the world. And so we asked the question, “where is God in the world”? And the answer is hanging on the cross. And then your eyes and your heart and mind are going to move to where bodies are hanging on crosses, you know, literally or metaphorically. So your heart and mind is going to go to the edges of the margins of society because that's where Jesus was crucified. He's crucified outside the camp.

So the way I'm defining it is that solidarity has got kind of God's divine, in the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, kind of divine solidarity with victims, with the marginalized and (with) oppressed. And if that's the case, then Cash’s music is a great example of the Gospel because his music frequently spoke up for like in the song, “The Man in Black”,

I wear black for the poor and the beaten down living in the hopeless hungry side of town,

So his voice, musically and artistically, and his music kind of goes to the edges of society and sings, for them, the way Jesus stands with the godforsaken on the cross.

Seth Price 16:33

Yeah, I want to push further on the margins and on the society. So often, as I've listened to Cash’s music, I often find that he teeters between rage-I think rage is the right word-like almost like a prophetic rage. Like the way that Isaiah would yell at people or the way that Ezekiel would yell at people or the way that people like what are you doing you're doing it wrong. Stop it. This is awful. I find myself reflecting if I'm going to hear a prophetic voice and so we'll use Cash as a prophetic voice or should we use you as a prophetic voice, why not? How would you advise as people are dealing or viewing a lens, because I would recommend, again, getting the book reading through it. But when you have a prophetic voice talking to the margins, especially today, I shoot even today during the Primaries, people will say when you speak to the prophetic margins, or whatever, that you are just a social justice warrior, or you're Communist or socialist, or whatever the word is. So how do you hear a prophetic voice and engage in a prophetic voice, like take it in internalize it and then take action without being vilified as something antithetical to whatever the status quo is?

Richard 17:49

Well, I mean, that's a great question because I think Cash’s own career he experienced some of those tensions. One of the chapters in the book is…so you're right every chapter in the book is built on a Cash song. yes. So the Chapter The Ballad by our haze is about an album he recorded called Bitter Tears. Now, a lot of people don't know about that one, but it's basically an album of Native American protest songs. So he sings this entire album from the perspective of Native Americans who have been kind of exploited by the hands of the American Empire. And it's a harsh album, it's hard to read American history from that perspective, but it's the truth, right? And so he felt really passionate about that. But it didn't get any airplay. Right, because again, it's a hard message. It's not going to sell any records its not popular to hear that. There's some hard songs in that album.

And so he actually had to take out this whole page ad in Billboard Magazine and the opening line of the ad was, you know, it was like DJs and radio managers, where are your guts? And so he takes out this full page ad kind of calling out the courage, or (more directly) the lack of courage in the country music establishment and the radio stations that will refuse to give airplay to this highly prophetic record. And he burned a lot of bridges and spent a lot of his social capital trying to get airplay for that album.

So you're right, I think sometimes the Prophet has struggled to be heard in many ways. I think there's lots of things we can say about that, but I think one of the things that helps give to a voice is if you are at least self reflective about yourself. And I think people could hear Cash sing prophetic songs because he would also sing songs that spoke to their own brokenness. And so I think solidarity has to be leavened with grace and mercy and a confessional posture towards your own sinfulness. And I think maybe sometimes that's lost a little bit in online and on Twitter, so social justice Twitter, is that lack of looking in the mirror. The lack of humility and Cash was a really humble guy too, you know us a very down to earth kind of guy. So he himself in his person was hard to dislike. So I think we’ve got to season our prophetic voice with a degree of confessional humility and a lot of grace.

Seth Price 20:23

I want to dig in and I don't remember reading it in the book but I want to pick the other part of your brain. So healthfully…healthfully is that a word? I think that's a word. How does one do that?

I feel like the role of a prophet is one that's lonely. It's one that's isolated. And it's one of depression almost. And so, as we're listening to those voices, or as we feel called to use our voice in that way, what are some things that you feel like we could do to do it healthily to make sure that we don't spiral into something unhealthy causing trauma or causing damage to ourselves; or should that even be the point?

Richard 21:03

Yeah, that's a really big conversation. I think one of the chapters to talk about in the book is I talk about the song, “give my love to rose” where this guy dying by the railroad tracks and I kind of use that chapter to talk about kind of the intimate, face to face, more local aspects of, of engagement. And I do think you're right. I think being a prophet is very lonely. But I think we kind of burn out a lot when our prophetic work is all just about outrage online about the current political climate.

And my sense is that people are kind of getting burnout, or tend not to be kind of local spaces with real people in real acts of kindness and compassion. And so yeah, yeah, you're just going online and you're triggered all over again. And you're just kind of like 24-7 in a stress response. And that's just not sustainable. So I would say kind of shut down the social media for a week and you know, volunteer somewhere in your local community where you're actually engaging in life giving relationships with people. And that's probably a more tangible, fulfilling, way of mending the world than just being upset all the time about what's going on Twitter.

Seth Price 22:32

Yeah, I would agree. I have two Twitter's one that I have that I just follow people that inspire me. And then there's the other that honestly is a dumpster fire, but I go into it when I really want to be hateful on purpose, like intentionally, like, just yell at the void, knowing full well that nobody's going to read it because there's hardly any followers there. I just want to yell at the void with minimal repercussions as possible. Just to do it.

Richard 22:59

It is cathartic.

Seth Price 23:01

It feels great. It's better than yelling down here in the basement waking my kids up. Um, can I read you a bit of something that you wrote?

Richard 23:09

Sure

Seth Price 23:11

So there's a part in here in the “Legend of John Henry's Hammer”, and that's the chapter that I'm in. So you talk about a call for economic solidarity. You talk a bit about what's it say at the bottom here, that effectively, it talks about the American dream, and embedded deeply in the American psyche is a belief that if you are honest and hardworking, you simply cannot be poor. And then you say Johnny Cash knew that this was a lie. And I'd like to talk a bit about that, because as I read that I thought about the prosperity gospel, but it seems like something more and something also that. So can you talk a bit about economic solidarity and how that relates to the way that we do church and community today?

Richard 23:55

Yeah, I mean, the point of that chapter is he kind of pushed back a little bit upon kind of the meritocracy. The belief that in America, “everybody has a level playing field.” And if you're just a hard working, virtuous person, you just cannot but be at least solidly middle class. But Cash grew up in like depression era Arkansas. And so he saw hard working people who were poor. And it wasn't due to a lack of virtue and it wasn't due to lack of a work ethic. But sometimes the economic situation is just stacked against you. So when I talked about Johnny Cash knew that was a lie, what I'm reflecting on is his intimacy with poor rural people, and how they were poor through no fault of their own. And so I'm trying to expand out from that to just kind of say there is a tendency, I think, in Christianity and in certain political sectors to moralize poverty that the only reason you're poor in this great nation is that there's something wrong with you. So we can to point the poor and blame them. And so I think the first step of economic solidarity is stepping back and looking at the systemic forces that kind of are stacked against people and do what we can to change those systems, or, you know, or at a bare minimum, stop pointing fingers and blaming them for the circumstances that they find themselves in; and also own, conversely, your own fortunate situation. A lot of us would take credit for success in life without kind of taking into account that we inherited a great deal of wind in our back. Well, just being honest about that, I think puts you in a better, more sympathetic, posture to stand in solidarity with somebody because through no fault of their own they're struggling. To no virtue of my own my life has been relatively more easy.

Seth Price 25:58

Yeah as you were researching Cash what is kind of his intersection with the church over the course of his life and his career? Like, how did he plug in in his day and age into the church? Or did he at all? How did that play well, or did it play well at all?

Richard 26:17

Well, I think he grew up going to church. But then I think in the early years of his career, he kind of walked away from the church. And so he really only kind of reengage, I'd say the church. He always was involved in Christianity because it was deeply embedded. He read the Bible every day, he sang gospel music, so he was always a very Christian person. But as far as like being invested in a local church community, that didn't really happen until kind of after he kind of dealt with his inner demons. So right around, you know, (19)68-69 when he starts kind of getting sober again does he kind of really formally engaged back in a local church community there Nashville. And he also kicked up a friendship with Billy Graham and started doing Billy Graham Crusades. So he becomes almost a very overt evangelist. And that kind of middle part into his career. He wrote a book about the Apostle Paul. He did a full length feature film called The Gospel Road, about the life of Jesus. So he became a very over kind of Christian role model.

And a lot of people think that that's kind of actually when his music kind of took a hit during the 80s. When he was most overtly evangelist. He lost a bit of his artistic edge at that point. And that's an interesting reflection point to about can you be a really good artist if you're just proselytizing?

Seth Price 27:41

Do you think that he lost an edge like as you've dove into him?

Richard 27:45

Yeah, so after he peaks with at Folsom Prison and in San Quentin, he gets a variety show in the early 70s called the Johnny Cash Show. And that kind of spells the end of your kind of cultural relevance. If they give you a music variety show.

Seth Price 28:02

Yeah, you're just you're just the opening act for everyone else.

Richard 28:06

Right. And so at this point he's kind of hitting his generational peak where he's now starting to get to the nostalgic. (I mean) who's tuning into the Johnny Cash Show? Well, people that listened to him in the 50s when we hang out with our walk the line in Folsom Prison Blues, right? So the 20 year olds that were listening to him when he was releasing in 55-56, as far as music, they're, you know, they're now 35-40 years old tuning into primetime TV. So the young people aren't listening to him. So he was pretty successful in the 70s. But a lot of people consumed the 80s his last decade, you just did anything of interest, until Rick Rubin showed up his life in the early 90s.

Seth Price 28:49

Yeah, it took a little bit of hip hop to bring him back to life. I didn't realize that Rick Rubin produced those what's it like three or four albums back to back to back that.

Richard 28:59

Yeah four albums right the end of Cash’s life and a lot of people think some of the best music he ever did.

Seth Price 29:04

I always say the name wrong Delia? I didn't really I think that's the one you write about in the book that like MTV wouldn't play. Is it that one or was it a different one?

Richard 29:16

No, it was “Delia’s Gone” gone, it's about domestic homicide. And Kate Moss, I believe plays the corpse. And there's a scene in there where I think he puts her in the grave and throws dirt on her and it was just too dark that, you know, it's a song about a murder. And he's burying her and so MTV thought was too dark.

Seth Price 29:37

They're fine with gyrating everything else. But we can't talk about real life things because apparently death doesn't actually happen-doesn't come for us all. How does one sing gospel music, make documentaries, connect with Billy Graham, become an evangelist but then also show up and maybe on a Thursday talk about pumping slugs into people and and just other things. He sees a lot of murder ballads, which I find with the tempo that he does them you don't kind of realize that they're murder ballad until you're about halfway and you're like, Oh, this went there. This got real-real fast. Especially if you're like me, you're like, I can handle this I can do. What did he say? What did he say‽

So how can you juxtapose those two? Because I think if I said, like, if I went to work, and I'm like, yeah, I'm a practicing Christian. But also, let me tell you about my favorite song about killing people. That would be just great. Like, how do you combine those two?

Richard 30:32

Well, yeah, well, that's kind of where the title comes from. So my son Aiden is the one that came up with the title. So during this time, I was listening to a lot of Johnny Cash in the car. He's obviously in the car and listening with me and so we were driving to school one day, and he looks at me goes “dad, Johnny Cash seems to sing about only three things: trains, Jesus and murder.” That would be a great title of a book son. But it's true. He sings about gospel songs. And then you'll see murder ballads. He did his concerts that way.

And so the tension I play with in the book is the way that kind of Saint/sinner, the light and the darkness kind of mixes in all of us. I think there's that famous quote, right that the line that divides good from evil is a line that runs through every heart. And so, yeah, murder might be a little bit strong, but I think all of us have great capacity for cruelty and hate. And we also have great; in the same person, great capacity for love and compassion. So in the great Lutheran formulation, we're all simultaneously saints and sinners.

And I experienced that out at the prison every Monday night right here, guys, they're literally murderers. But yet they're also very beautiful human beings to me and grace comes to me in them all the time. Right, that's strange to get Jesus coming to you from a murderer. But that's the reality.

And so the other thing I'd say here too, is I think one of the reasons why Cash is such a compelling artist is because he's able artistically to sing to the full bandwidth of the human moral experience. He's able to see Jesus and murder. And there's a kind of a truthfulness and authenticity to that people are attracted to where I think a lot of Christianity and Christian entertainment just restricts itself to the good. And it's like, but that becomes kind of a diet of cotton candy.

Seth Price 32:36

Positive and encouraging.

Richard 32:38

And it's not an artistic it just becomes again, kind of like we're about kind of propaganda or kitsch, preaching to the choir, to the already converted. So country music, I think is also really good at that because it'll sing about pretty dark people in places, but also singing about Jesus. And so Cash i think is just an example. Kind of a larger trend within country music to singer across the whole bandwidth of life.

Seth Price 33:33

I wanted to ask you about, well, firstly, I wanted to talk to you about Satan for the longest time. I've just never been able to connect with you on it. But that's not what we're going to talk about here. But we can if you want…

Richard 33:46

Yeah, we can talk about Satan all day long…

Seth Price 33:47

If I remember right, I thought about emailing you like last August and I was like, hey, let's talk about the devil for Halloween. This will be great. And, then I don't even know if I ever hit send. It's on me. We'll maybe we'll figure that out after the end of the

Richard 34:03

Yes, we can figure out when to talk about Satan, (anytime)

Seth Price 34:04

To be honest, I haven't read (your book on Satan), but I wanted to read it and then prepare and then we have a good conversation. Yeah, sure. There's a part in here that blew my mind. So in Sunday Morning Coming Down, you draw a parallel and I had never read this and II Kings and then just so for those people in the background, not listening. So Ahaziah??? I don't know how to say his name. Ahaziah the King of Israel. So you talk about he suffers a fall he gets hurt and what he does is he goes and he consults Beelzebub, which means literally “the lord of flies”. And you draw a distinction there of demons and idolatry and the propensity I guess, not necessarily just for Cash to do that, probably for us all. Can you talk a bit about demons and idolatry and how those two are connected? Because when I think of idolatry, I think of like, you know, like I make my phone an idol like that. That's what my attention goes to or like this one I'm thinking about?

Richard 35:05

Well, I mean, I think that's a good, that's a good connection. Yeah, so in the book I talked about, in the gospels, how Satan is described as Beelzebub. And the Prince of Demons. And scholars don't really know where that name comes from the one idea is that Beelzebub comes from this Canaanite deity in II Kings, Ba’al is above. And so Ba’al is the Canaanite word for Lord. And zebube is the Canaanite word for flies, and so Lord of the Flies. So Ba’al Zebub which becomes Beelzebub in the New Testament.

And the point I'm making that story is King Azaiah he falls, he's hurt, but instead of turning toward Yahweh, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, he turns instead to this “Lord of the Flies”. And so there's an interesting connection here between the demonic between Beelzebub between the Lord of the Flies and turning to a false god for relief. And so idolatry, all through Scripture, is kind of tied up in the demonic, right. So the false gods of the nations, which the idols represent, you know, if you watched the development in the New Testament gradually, you know, Paul's quite explicit, the false gods of the nation's are demons. He says, literally, the pagans sacrifice to demons.

And so idolatry is intimately associated with the demonic. All that to say is, you're right then. So if you think about your iPhone, or you think about well Cash, in this case, I was talking about his drug addiction. If you think about the things that we turn to, the things we lean on, the things we are addicted to, then properly you can call those forms of demon possession, right. They're forms of idolatrous worship towards the Lord of the Flies. So wherever we're turning away from God and towards some sort of idol, in a dependent kind of way, you can kind of always hear this buzzing sound right? You can hear the flies swarming.

Seth Price 37:08

I want to try to ask this question in a way that isn't...I don't know how to ask this question. And so if I say it wrong, tell me and I'm gonna try to re-ask it. I've recently been talking with so many people and many of them has said that the way that many, especially in our country, but overall, like, we have an addiction to religion and no relationship with God. So in that framework, do you feel like religion could be a demonic form of idol? And I'm aware of how bad that I don't know if I'm saying that well.

Richard 37:40

Oh, no, no, I think (you are). So one of my favorite voices here to kind of connect it back with the prophetic is Walter Brueggemann. You know, Walter Brueggemann?

Seth Price 37:54

I do, I’ve spoken with Walter, he's great.

Richard 37:56

Yeah, yeah, but I think the best book ever wrote his book called The Prophetic Imagination. And his argument is he goes back to Exodus and Moses and he says, you know, when we think of Moses going to Pharaoh, he says, set my people free. He says actually the first slave that has to be freed in Egypt is God. Right?

So Egypt, royal Egypt, has to envision that God could be over against them in a critical capacity; does this make sense? And so there's always this temptation for the religious community to own God and make God’s voice equivalent to our voices. And whenever that happens, whenever God and i agree and everything I think God thinks and God kind of basically baptizes everything my faith community or my nation believes, the minute there's no daylight between us and God, then God at that point has been captive. God has been made a slave. Now God has been made in our own image so that's an idol.

So the first activity of the prophet is to create this kind of prophetic imagined capacity that the God you believe in is actually “over there” to go back to the idea solidarity. God is actually over there with those people. Guys standing on the outside of your boundaries, God is at the fences of your nation. Right, God is on the other side of the railroad tracks. God might even be with your enemy speaking a prophetic word against you.

The ability to imagine that is, to me, the best way we keep our religion free from idols. Instead of the cozy God always agreeing with me it is the uncomfortable restless sense that God might actually be speaking word against me. And that's kind of one of things I talked about in this book about Cash. I talk less about religion, but more about nationalism and patriotism. Cash sang a lot of nostalgic music about America. And so I didn't want the book just to be this kind of like everything he sang was unproblematic and easily an example of the gospel message because I struggled a bit in our current political context, with the patriotic nostalgic music that he sang. And so in this chapter I wrestle with the way, you know, kind of God and nation and nostalgia, you know, God is for us and always against the people we're against.

And so, I talked about how Cash was able, though, as an artist to sing songs that were critical of America. So a good example of that is the one we just talked about “Bitter Tears”. So here's a whole album and he's singing songs that are pretty critical of America. And, nowadays, it's like, if you are critical of your country then you're unpatriotic. And so to me, the way you keep your religion and your nationalism free from those temptations of idolatry is to continue to cultivate, like Cash I think demonstrated, that prophetic capacity to allow God to say something negative about you. Because the minute that capacity is lost and you can't say anything critical of America, (and) you can't say anything critical of your Christianity or your church without that being considered a sign of disloyalty-that's an idol. Like at that moment, the prophetic capacity is lost. And we're now in an idolatrous situation.

Seth Price 41:31

Yeah. I want to ask you two more questions, maybe? Well, I definitely have one more question because I've been asking everybody the same question. I am ashamed to admit so it's the chapter called The Man Comes Around. I learned more about the book of Revelation in your breakdown and the song together, because nobody really preaches on Revelation. And when they do, I don't know what I'm listening to at least in the church that I attend, like we just don't talk about Revelation a lot. We did spend a considerable amount of time in the prophets over the summer, but not much on Revelation. At a very high level without burying the lead or anything like, what would …. ugh…I don't know how to ask this question….

So, I guess my question is this, if Cash came back and sang one more song in one more church, and we're just gonna put every Christian in the same church, and he sang this song, like, this is the one that he sings.

Richard 42:30

“The Man Comes Around”?

Seth Price 42:31

Yeah, what do you feel like the congregation would hear him singing? Like, what would they be called to?

Richard 42:38

Well see, that's a great question. Because a lot of people love that song because it's an old school kind of Judgment Day kind of song if you’ve never heard it. It's basically

the man comes around taking names, he decides who to free and who to blame. Everybody won't be treated all the same.

And so it's a very judgmental, non politically correct kind of song. So I try to wrestle with that song in the book. Because, you know, again I'm reflecting on theologically, well I'm not just gonna be like man I love that song! It's the same way…have you ever seen that the heard him sing the song “God's Gonna Cut You Down”?

Seth Price 43:17

I don't know if I've heard that one.

Richard 43:19

Watch the video. So it's a cover he does this whole thing, which is called“God's Gonna Cut You Down” but it's got all these Hollywood people singing this song right? All these people, these little Hollywood elites singing the song “God's Gonna Cut You Down” like you believe that? You know, like that’s kind of harsh revivalistic religion. So it's kind of interesting to see kind of liberals singing “God's Gonna Cut You Down”. But I guess everybody has their vision of who that person is going to be. So that's one way to think about it.

Yeah. So the one thing I tried to talk about in the book of Revelation is like, Revelation is going to quickly go off the railroad tracks and I think Johnny Cash’s “God's Gonna Cut You Down” is going to go through our tracks if we don't understand the central regulating metaphor in the book which appears in Revelation 4 & , when John turns and sees the Lamb who has been slain ruling from the throne. And if you read all of that warfare and judgment imagery in Revelation through, if you read it literally, then yeah, it's pretty horrific. But if you constantly read it through the metaphor that the way God achieves God's victory, the way God fights God's battles, the way God's power will manifest, the way God's judgment will, you know, is through the cross of Christ through God's self donating, self-giving love. If that's God's victory, if that's God's weapon, the blood of the Lamb, then I think we have a way to interpret that language of judgment or mentally reframe what the scales will be. How will your life be weighed or measured?

So I think to answer your question honestly, a lot people when they hear“God's Gonna Cut You Down”, or they think “When The Man Comes Around” yeah, they're gonna think people who deserve God's punishment because they're pagans, or they have to have the group in mind that God's gonna damn. But if you read my chapter it might be you that is being weighed in the balance and found wanting because of your lack of charity and love towards those people.

So I say Judgment Day is coming but a lot of us might debate about what the criteria is going to be. And I think Johnny Cash was very clear. And he said it, you know, that love is the criteria by which we'll all be judged. And if that's going to be the way we're all going to be if a man comes around, and we're all going to be weighed by how much we've loved each other. Well, then I don't know i think that's that's not a bad judgment, right. That's it's not a bad way to live your life to think that my own ultimate, my stand, at the judgment seat of God that I have to give accounting for how well I loved other people. That might be terrifying, we might not like the idea that you haven't given accounting, but if you're going to have to give it a kind of that's not a bad accounting to give.

Seth Price 46:15

It also kind of mirrors what Christ said, you know, just “love your neighbor, love your God”. Like this is the criteria for people that want to follow me. Just if you could do this, that would be great. So I do want to end on that final question.

So when you say the word God, and so in this case, the guy that was doing the judging there, what are you intending to say? Like if I was a student in your class, and you're like, here, let me tell you about God. What are you actually trying to communicate when you say those words or that metaphor?

Richard 46:46

Well I mean as a Christian, you're only going to be able to know God as much as that God reveals God's self to you. So God's gonna ultimately be a mystery unless God bridges the gap. So I would say the God I confess and believe in is most clearly exemplified in Christ. So my definition of God is very Christological. So, he is the image of the invisible God. He displays the divine nature.

And so I think 1 John summarizes it really well right God is love. One of the reasons I'm a Christian like I signed up for the team that like, said those three words “God is love”. Like I'll go with that. But the hard part about that is, is that that love is is also cruciform. And so to me, God is not just love but cruciform because a lot of us are lovers in our own minds. But when love is costly (and) hard. When it involves loving one's enemies, there's not a whole lot of people that sign up for that, right, for that journey. And so I don't want to say God is love in a trite way because I think it's the hardest thing you can attempt in your life. Like if you really try to love everyone the way Jesus says it in Luke, because you know, he says your Father in Heaven is kind to the wicked and the ungrateful. He sends his sun in his rain upon good and not good. He's kind to the wicked and the ungrateful, go and be children of your Father in heaven.

Well, that man, to be kind to the wicked and the ungrateful. You know, I don't care how liberal or tolerant or social justice warrior you are, all of us struggle with being kind to the wicked and ungrateful. But that's what makes us children of God. So for me God is love as defined in Jesus. But it's that hard cross shape love. So it's not this kind of like, “Oh, I just decided to ‘spacey’ like I love” everybody's like daily work of loving the hard to love people in your life.

Seth Price 49:14

Yeah, thank you for that. So the book again, I'm gonna have it linked in the show notes people should buy it. Also green is my favorite color. And so the whole book cover is green. I find it I find it striking. Very few books are printed in green. I don't know why it's always red blue. Like it's just as I'm looking here, it's all red and blue. So I appreciate the green. But you blog at experimental theology…?

Richard 49:40

Google experimental theology will come up but I'm still like blogspot. So it's all it's the whole experimentaltheology.blogspot.com so I've never changed from that from the original one in 2007. I kind of said, here's a free way to start a blog and I never changed it.

Seth Price 49:56

Yeah, I want to poke at you a bit on something you wrote earlier. blogspot because I go there about once every three or four months and just kind of see what your what you're writing because you're all over the place. But you have an article in here and I've got it pulled up here saying an article a blog, saying it's the Gospel according to the Lord of the Rings, week seven, which I want to be clear about Dr Beck, I haven't read week one through six. You say the uselessness of Tom Bombadil and that's a Lord of the Rings character. But yeah, he's my favorite character like how could you? How can he be useless actually was really mad when he wasn't in the movie? I'm like, come on, man. This guy's literally better than an end. Anyway, I just really nerd it out there but what do you can I just what do you mean when you say the uselessness of Tom Bombadil, which has nothing to do with this book? But I've got Yeah and I'm curious?

Richard 50:43

First of all, it's good to write provocative things right? It’s good to kind of you know, to have a title up to like the Uselessness of Tom Bombadil and get people like “what‽” Yeah, you know. So there you go. So there's a little playful provocation in the title. But the point being made and I'm kind of using Fleming Rutledge (who) is a pastor and a writer that she has written a book about this and that's a phrase of hers.

And her entire point is that although Bombadil is a beloved character at the end of the day his kind of self contained world isn't going to be enough to withstand the shadow. And she contrasts kind of Bombadil with Rivendale. And so Rivendale is as idyllic as Bombadil’s right, the House of Elron is. But Rivendale knows there's a threat, Rivendale knows there needs to be a plan of action. So Rivendale represents resistance and Bombadil kind of represents a kind of idyllic turn inward.

This not to say that he's useless. Like somebody got on the blog and said, “Hey, Frodo would be dead if Tom didn't save him!”So I get all that, you know, they would have been dead they would have died in the, what is that old tree?

Seth Price 52:07

The Ents? I can't remember his name though.

Richard 52:10

They're in an old forest when he discovers them? Yeah, there's like an old tree that is going to eat them or something. But you know, so it's not saying he doesn't have any purpose, but the overall thing and so I'm just kind of making a metaphor for the church.

Seth Price 57:25

Yeah, that posture is…

Richard 57:27

Yes that posture of kind of like you’ve got to turn inward to kind of a cultivated space where we can you know, that is good, and there's a role for that. But at the end of the day, right, we got to get boots on the ground and kind of, you know. And so the title is just about kind of the two postures we can adopt in a world of spinning out of control.

We can just kind of turn into a little clique or clan, or we can kind of go “No, we’ve got to take action. So it's a contrast between Bombadil and Rivendale, it is a metaphor.

Seth Price 53:00

The title works well because as I was scrolling through I'm like, wait, what did he say! Lack of metaphors screw that I'm gonna read this. This is bull. This is bull. (Richard laughs) But anyway, so you got the blogspot. Where else would you direct people to that want to kind of dive into what you do?

Richard 53:18

That's it. That's the only online presence.

Seth Price 53:21

That’s easy. Thank you so much, again, for coming back Dr. Beck. I'll give you back your evening. And we'll both watch the roll call of whatever's happening with this (Democratic Primaries…I think South Carolina).

Richard 53:29

Yeah, yeah, I gotta go find out what's going on out.

Seth Price 53:32

Yeah, it should be fun. I’ll tell you. It's been blessed to not even care about it today because I just been doing other things. So thank you again, so much. I really appreciate it.

Richard 53:42

Yeah, it was a pleasure to talk to you sir.

Seth Price 53:58

As we wind the show to a close and I referenced it at the beginning but I really do hope that you're taking care of yourself in these pandemic times. I'm so thankful every single one of you. And if you need anything, I don't know what help I can be. But please reach out to me if you need just an ear as you're frustrated or anything, like reach out to me and I'm happy to give you my ear. Thank you to the Salt of The Sound for their music in this episode as I continue to work back through the transcripts, and the backlog of conversations that there are; if you haven't dived into those go to the website, find the transcripts, I love doing them. Actually, I take that back. I don't really love doing them. But I love what I learn when I do them as I really listen to conversations and I'm listening word for word as best I can. I'm finding so many things that I missed the first time. So I would encourage you to do the same.

Maybe become a Patreon supporter of the show. But then if you know people that would benefit from reading a conversation, that maybe can't engage in podcasts in the way that you can, share those transcripts with, let them know they're there. That'd be a big help.

Be safe, know that you're blessed and we will talk soon.

Ableism, Prosperity Gospel, and the View from Rock Bottom with Stephanie Tait / Transcript

Note: Can I Say This at Church is produced for audio listening. If able, I strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which has inflection, emotion, sarcasm where applicable, and emphasis for points that may not come across well in written word. This transcript is generated using a combination of my ears and software, and may contain errors. Please check the episode for clarity before quoting in print.

Back to the Audio Episode


Stephanie 0:00

One of the things I always have say up front is a lot of people don't realize that churches are exempt from the ADA. Yeah, churches and Christian Schools lobbied really aggressively when the ADA was going through the process to become a law to be exempted from it. And the basic argument was that it was such a cost burden that essentially it was going to shut down freedom of religion, if you will, it was sort of a their first amendment rights against, you know, my right to exist in public spaces. And so they successfully got an exemption that basically says, you can't file an ADA complaint against a church or Christian Schools that operate on church campuses.

Seth Price 0:55

Hello there everyone how are you? Welcome back to the show, March coming to a close, I'm on spring break with my family, which was cancelled due to COVID-19. And I really hope that each and every single one of you are staying safe doing what you need to do. Just a quick reminder before we get into this. So this show is 197,000,000% supported by the patrons of the show. I absolutely love that. I've been approached a few times to do advertisements on the show. And I always get to say “no”, because to be honest, this is not a money earning venture, nor do I really want to turn it into one. But the show continues to support itself. I actually had to up the hosting charges…I guess that's what you call it…hosting charges to be able to actually post this episode. I don't know why, but the episode bandwidth was eaten up this month, somehow or another I probably did it wrong; I don't know. To the 54-57, the number changes every other day or so (patrons) I really I'm so thankful that you support the show and I would encourage a few more of you. Consider supporting the show, you all make this thing happen. And I am aware how valuable your time and your money is. And thank you from the bottom of my heart for supporting this show.

So today I chatted with Stephanie Tait. So I read Stephanie's book, The View from Rock Bottom, quite a bit of time ago. And actually, I didn't really think about reaching out to her just because I didn't know how to do it. Didn't know what to say. And eventually though, I overcame that and reached out to her and I really loved the conversation we had, I laughed a lot, and those are my favorite. So in this we cover ableism we cover the Americans with Disability Act, we cover the prosperity gospel, I mean, we cover a lot, and I was really challenged by it, and her book as well.

So I really hope that you enjoy this conversation that I had with Stephanie. Let's get it rocking and rolling.

Seth Price 3:05

Stephanie Tate, welcome to the Can I Say This At Church podcast? See, we turned it on it's like a different tone altogether (radio voice)

Stephanie 3:12

We all do it. We have a speaker voice. As soon as we start, we get very professional.

Seth Price 3:17

Although I have friends that tell me I'm a monotone voice for the most part and I lack inflection and they say it's either calming or very off putting. I don't know which it is.

Stephanie 3:26

I'm the opposite. I'm like, a very over the top rambler. And then I brought a friend to the last speaking engagement that I did, who had never heard me speak live. And she was like, it was bizarre. You started talking and I was like, who's the crap is that? What is coming out of your mouth right now You sound so like, compose. I didn't know if that was a compliment or not.

Seth Price 3:50

Well, I guess they're used to maybe being allowed to interrupt you and in that place, they weren't allowed to or they couldn't because you had the microphone. I suppose. So, who knows?

I'm going to ask you a different question. Because to be fair, I usually do ask the question that you don't want me to ask you. But I slightly do it differently, which causes people to have to pause, but I'm not gonna ask you that question at all. So I'm just gonna ask you the same question. I asked everybody last week, because why not? I talked about interviewing eight 8000 people for a job, actually multiple jobs at my bank, and you liked the question. And so I'll ask you (laughter from both). So when people sit down to the desk across to me the first Well, the first thing I say is, here's what I am. Here's what I do. I do this differently. Here's this HR manual that we have to talk about, and I'll tick those boxes so we don't get sued. However, because this is a multimillion dollar company I need to hire adults. And so when I say, Stephanie, when I say the word adult what does that mean to you? What does that mean to you?

Stephanie 4:54

Who that's a loaded question.

I have a hard time answering this, I think because I live in the world, in a disabled body. I think a lot of people. You know, when we introduce ourselves to new people, the most common question you get first, right is what do you do? Yeah, everybody wants to talk about what they do and what they're responsible for. And #adulting looks very different for me as a disabled person, right? Like my husband does a majority of the dishes, and the laundry, and the keeping up around this house. And so it's really hard to answer that question because sometimes for me, “adulting” doesn't even involve getting out of bed at all that day. So I'm trying to figure out what that means. I think in the context of living as a disabled person now, because I can't always define it off what I do ability wise, I am responsible for two tiny humans. I'm pretty sure that puts me in adult status, because neither of them are dead yet. So that's good.

Seth Price 5:58

You did it, success! One in the win column!

Stephanie 6:00

One in the win column for me, um, I don't know, I think a lot of it for me has just been learning to take responsibility for myself and my choices and my actions. Yes. But I think United States just has a lot less to do with, can you, you know, take out the trash and pay your bills and dress yourself every day because some days the answer for me is no, I can't do those things. And yet, I'm still an adult. I know it's a complicated question. But I guess yeah, it's just personal responsibility at this point.

Seth Price 6:27

To be fair, that is the correct answer. Because when I say I need to hire…so it's um, now you might want it although I don't know that I'm fun or not fun to work for my people seem to enjoy me because I sing a lot at the bank when I'm in a good mood. And then when I'm not singing people are like, Oh, crap!

Stephanie 6:52

Get out of the way, run..

Seth Price 6:54

Yeah, but I don't hold grudges or get angry all that all that often. But usually, that's what I mean is I'm not going to track you down and ask you to do a job. Just do the dang job. That would be great. And don't make me ask you again because you're gonna know I pay you to be here. Well, I pay you. The company pays you. Yeah, nothing bothers me more when people like oh, that's not my job. Like, stop it. It is definitely your job because it needs to be you just finished the Evolving Faith conference. Correct?

Stephanie 7:26

I wasn't speaking or anything just attending.

Seth Price 7:30

What is that? Because that's in Denver right now?

Stephanie 7:35

Well it was last year (but) it moves around. So this year it's going to be in Houston.

Seth Price 7:41

So what is it?

Stephanie 7:43

So Evolving Faith is probably the biggest most well known Christian conference for progressive Christians. So it was started originally by Rachel Held Evans no Sarah Bessie, together. And then they brought in Jeff Chu, who's been an amazing companion on that. And then unfortunately, Rachel passed away last year. So now Sarah and Jeff are sort of shepherding this whole community that's built up around Evolving Faith. And so in some ways, it looks a lot like other conferences, you know, there are speakers that have keynotes and there are breakout sessions and in other ways, it looks like absolutely no other conference I've ever been to.

Actually, they brought me on this year as a disability consultant. So what that means is last year, the heart and the intent was in all the right places, but the execution didn't always match that in terms of accessibility for disabled attendees. And so recognizing that gap instead of trying to figure out a fix that themselves and assuming that they is abled, people could just sort of Go, oh, well, we'll know what you need. And we'll fix it. And we'll plan for it. They hired me, because this is one of the things I do to be a disability consultant. So I come in and from day one, and they're planning, they said before we figure out anything like, give us your input, what worked last year, what didn't? What would you do differently?

And then as they plan different things, I consult with them on how to make sure that there aren't any accessibility barriers, but also how to make sure that they're overtly and intentionally welcoming of disabled attendees from the get go right from day one of advertising. They want to make it clear, we want you here, you're a valued part of the body. Please come and we're going to make sure that this is a positive experience for you where you're not excluded in any way.

Seth Price 9:48

Well, I'm going to come back to that. So I'll be real honest with you for a minute. So I've read what you write for many, many, many months. I don't know if it's been yours or not, doesn't matter. Like many people, some of the best people that I know people that I've met on the internet, and actually some of my best friends, quote unquote “friends” or have been people that I've met, like, develop massive relationships with that I speak to as often as I do my family from healthier places on the internet. Which will not be tonight, because I think I read there's a Democratic primary debate and so tonight's not a good night to be on the internet. So I'm glad that I'm doing this instead. I'll watch the highlights tomorrow.

But you had said something well, something that you wrote months ago, reminded me of something that Richard Beck. I don't know if you're familiar with Richard Beck or not he's a professor of psychology at Abilene Christian University. He's one of the first people that I talked to…yeah, I actually think I was talking to him while I was putting together a Christmas present for my kids like back in 2017, or something like that. But he said something to the effect of disgust and contempt and how churches and humans just are really put off by disgust and contempt and what we find is that we draw these barriers and boundaries and circles around it. And so he was talking about it in church. And the fact that on the stage, we don't allow, usually the elderly, because it reminds us like, we just don't want that. And as well as disabled, and so he has larger ministries to that. And so you wrote something to the effect of and I am not going to look on Facebook and try to find it, but you said something to the effect of…I'm going to say it wrong, you probably can remember it. You know, if you're if you say you value our voice, but you don't give us a way on the stage. You don't actually value it…I'm saying it wrong.

Stephanie 11:32

Essentially your church is not accessible unless the pulpit is accessible. Like it's not enough to have a wheelchair ramp where I can get in the door. I'm not personally a wheelchair user. But that was sort of the point right…it's not enough to make sure I can get in as an attendee, if you've made it really clear that there's no way to get up on the stage.

Seth Price 11:50

Yes. So what would that look like because churches don't do that? Ever since reading that I've been in probably 20 different churches. One of my favorite things to do not at my current bank, but at my past when I was in a historic downtown part of Central Virginia, and so I could walk to like 100 year old Episcopalian church, I could walk to a massive Catholics, I could walk to all these beautiful churches. And everywhere I go, now I look and I'm like, yeah, that wouldn't work. That wouldn't work. He has a cane that's not going to work. They have whatever I'm going to work like, you'll you'll even watch like the youth come up after they get hurt. Because they're going to talk about the mission trip they did, and they can't get up there either. And those are just crutches; temporary. So what would that look like besides just installing a ramp to the pulpit or maybe just bringing the pulpit down to the ground level? What would that actually look like for a church to enable voices from the disabled? Like, what would that actually look like?

Stephanie 12:44

So one of the things that was upset front is a lot of people don't realize that churches are exempt from the ADA.

Seth Price 12:51

Really?

Stephanie 12:52

Yeah. Churches and Christian Schools lobbied really aggressively when the ad when the ADA was going through the process to become a law firm. To be exempted from it, and they the basic argument was that it was such a cost burden that essentially it was going to shut down freedom of religion, if you will, it was sort of a, their first amendment rights against, you know, my right to exist in public spaces. And so they successfully got an exemption that basically says, You can't file an ad a complaint against a church or Christian Schools that operate on church campuses. Now, sometimes local building codes will have certain requirements about you know, you need a handicap accessible stall, in the bathroom or that sort of thing. Um, but those vary wildly, and enforcement works differently there.

Right, like once you've passed inspection for your construction of your new church that’s it like you're done, right? Like you could, you could basically take the accessible stall and you could use it for storage, which I've actually seen doesn't have all kinds of stuff. And there's no one to stop you. The ADA has teeth, right? Like, it's theoretically an enforcement method. It's not great. It's not like a phone number that you can call. But there's a way to enforce it. So churches and Christian Schools are exempt from that. And so unfortunately, churches tend to be some of the least accessible places for people with disabilities because they don't have to be and what you described, right? Like there's sort of this reverence and attachment to old churches that have these sort of sacred architecture, if you will, and the feel and the look of that, but the reality is, the more traditional the architecture, the more likely it is that it's just horrifically inaccessible. Yeah. And so that's a constant struggle. I think if churches would even just start like, I'd love to give you a vision of like, fully inclusive, wholly welcoming spaces. But it's hard to do when some of them, you just can't even literally get in the front door. Like they're not even doing the bare minimum yet. If I could see more churches, hiring disability consultants to come in and say, Hey, here's some barriers that you probably don't even recognize you have. Can you address them?

And for the record, like, it's important that that's paid labor, right? Like you don't just tap your local disabled parishioner and expect them to come in and do that labor for free. Like, Hey, tell us a whole list of what we can. That's no, like, that's not their job. Yeah, there are people you can pay to do that. I think that would be a great start, right? But more than that, I also just think accessibility, like physically is is important. But what we see on the platform, and who we hear quoted in sermons, right, and who we hear taught in our Bible study and in our book groups and in our data speaks volumes to me as a disabled person too.

If you never, ever choose a book written by a disabled author, or teach a sermon where you have quotes from a disabled theologian or invite a disabled person to come guest preach, no amount of making sure that I can get in the front door to the pew is going to be quiet enough, right? It's gonna be very clear that you can come and be ministered to, you can receive our love and our charity and our teaching. You're just not seen as someone who has anything to contribute.

Seth Price 16:35

I did not know that about the adea is that only? You might not know is that only Christian churches or does that also account for Jewish mosques, Buddhist temples I don't even know what are called…

Stephanie 16:47

I believe it applies to houses of worship across the board, but I'm not 100% Sure. It was specifically Christian. It was the it was the head of the Association of Christian Schools that did Like the majority of the lobbying to say, this is putting undue burden on us, and we need to be exempted from this.

And I will just say like, if you go read some of what they actually said, It's gross. There was there was a lot of really nasty homophobic and ablest stuff all tied in that like they kept saying, Well, you can't do that. Because what if people start saying that alcoholism is a disability, or being gay as a disability or any of these things that we don't agree with? Because back then, you know, there were people that considered like being trans, for example, a disability, right? That it is a psychological affliction, they would have called it back then. And so the Association of Christian Schools guy basically said, Hey, if you make all these rules that say that we can't discriminate against people with disabilities, what if you know that makes us have to hire drug addicts and trans people and all these, you know, people that we don't agree with that is violating our freedom of religion to say, you know, we want to be able to discriminate as much as we want against people we think are sinful.

And the law basically didn't want to have to get embroiled in the possible controversy of them fighting that all the way up to the Supreme Court. So they said, okay, and they wrote in an exemption.

Seth Price 18:24

That is insane and even just the way you….we would like to discriminate against these people. If you would allow us to do that and keep our nonprofit status. That would be great.

Stephanie 18:33

That’s essentially the history right? Like all of it boils down to for me, churches fought for the legal right, to discriminate against people like me. Whatever the reasoning, whatever the logic, whatever the First Amendment argument, bottom line for most disabled people is Churches fought, like actively fought and put lobbying and money into the right to discriminate against disabled people. That’s gross. Like, wow, that's a fantastic witness right there. Wow, that's definitely what Jesus would do. (sarcasm)

Seth Price 19:09

No, no, I've read the Gospels. I've got a couple copies here. I don't. I hear the sarcasm, but but also No. But also very much no. What is ableism? So that is a word that honestly, I hadn't heard until I read, read, whatever, until I saw you begin to speak about it so much. And I picked up a copy of your book. So what is for those listening because I'm sure I'm not in the minority there. What is ableism?

Stephanie 19:40

So ableism is essentially any kind of discrimination, whether it's active or more unconscious bias against people with disabilities against disabled bodies. So that can come in the form of accessibility barriers that people refuse to address. And that can also just come In pervasive attitudes about disabled bodies and disabled people, so it's really just any kind of discrimination; and again, intent doesn't matter here. It's impact entirely against disabled people and disabled bodies.

Seth Price 20:17

Okay. Can I so…I like to talk about religion and theology is are you good if we pivot to that?

Stephanie 20:25

Yep.

Seth Price 20:27

Perfect. So, what is I always like to ask kind of a bit of what is the difference between your faith now, I have no idea how old you are. Although Facebook told me you had a birthday last week and I don't tell people happy birthday on Facebook because it's not genuine. But since I can see you-happy belated birthday. I hope it was great, but I don't actually know how old you turn.

Stephanie 20:45

I turned 35.

Seth Price 20:46

That's a great age. I can remember 35.

Stephanie 20:48

I think I'm an actual adult now. Like this is feels like official adult age. (laughter)

Seth Price 20:52

So getting back to that first question and then I'll ask you my question. So my wife and I recently so when we got married a while back her bedroom suite from her like seventh grade like yeah, you're in middle school. Let's get you a real a real dresser and a real mirror that came with the marriage because I shopped it like below if there's whatever's below Goodwill, there was a place in Lynchburg called the DAV, which is actually for dislike, like a place that raised money for disabled veterans. But people would offload the stuff that goodwill wouldn't accept to there. And then I would go buy it and refinish it and do whatever.

So that stuff was apparently not cutting the snuff. So we brought her stuff over from when she was in seventh grade, and we like just in December, finally upgraded to a bigger mattress, a new mattress, that didn't hurt our backs. And then you know, we've been in our careers for 15 years now. Let's actually get a bedroom suite that's ours. And when it got there, like I really feel like an adult now, like, we bought two houses. We have three human beings that we support. We’ve bought multiple cars, we sold one of the other houses, and she told me she's like and now you You feel like an adult because we bought this bedroom suite. But I don't know. I think it was like a holdover of something that wasn't ours. I don't know something about it made me feel like an adult. But um, what…I don't even know why I brought that up, what is some of the differences between the faith that you grew up in, and the faith that you call “faith” now?

Stephanie 22:22

Hmmm, It looks like there's different there's, there's so many things there. I grew up in a wing of the Baptist Church. Everybody talks about the Southern Baptist Church. I did not grow up Southern Baptist. I grew up in what was called the CBA. The Conservative Baptist Association, we split off from the FBI the SBC because they were not conservative enough for us. Yeah. When you hear about people like boycotting Disney, and you know, Harry Potter was absolutely no go because it was totally gonna convert your kids to witchcraft and Satanism like that kind of stuff. It was a very conservative way to grow up? I do not relate with that tradition anymore. And to be in that tradition and do well, you need to be Republican. First of all, like 110%. That's not optional

Seth Price 23:12

Jesus was republican as well.

Stephanie 23:15

Of course! And to be totally honest, you pretty much need to be white. And you definitely need to be able bodied and without mental illnesses. I think one of the things I heard most in a church in my church growing up was the idea of, we don't air our dirty laundry in public, right, like we testimonies are all past tense stories, like far enough past tense that it's, you know, “oh, yeah, back in the day. I used to be a drug addict, but Jesus”, so now it's all okay.

We never really heard about what people are going through present tense, unless it was in the context of like gossiping about them. bless her heart spray for so and so because here's what I heard. And it was very magical. imaged based, you know, you needed to look like a person to face. And I think the bottom line that we were taught, especially as kids and going into like high school age was this idea of sort of black and white certainty. Like you. There's, there's right and wrong. And apps, believing in absolute truths meant you needed to believe that the truth we taught you was absolutely true. And so if you question anything that we taught you, well, now you're just a moral relativist. And you don't believe there's any truth at all. Like there was no middle ground there, right? Yeah, moral relativism was sort of the greatest specter they had out there for us was, if you question anything before you know it, and you're just gonna slide down that slippery slope of believing nothing. And, you know, college is just out to liberalize your kids and convince them to question everything, so be very careful where you send them. Christian Schools are definitely your best bet. I grew up only in Christian education. I spent all my spare time and things like Awana and programs like that.

Seth Price 25:05

I will say that Awana Cubbie song is very addictive. It's a very happy song.

Stephanie 25:10

We actually have like a an offshoot program that doesn't exist anymore that was like, What was it? Oh Boys Brigade and Pioneer Girls. So it's like if Awana was gender segregated, and then they really made it like, Boys Brigade was like, if Boy Scouts and Awana had a baby. And Pioneer Girls was like, you know how to be a good Christian girl.

Seth Price 25:38

Proverbs 31 for under 12.

Stephanie 25:41

Yeah, it was different. Um, but then in high school, I started to get sick. And we didn't know what was going on with me. And I went from really bright and doing well in school and very serious ballet dancer, very in control of my body, to struggling to retain any information in school and sleeping 13/14/15 hours a day and always exhausted and physically my body was just falling apart, and we had no explanations for it. And that was the start of a 15 year journey for me without a diagnosis for those 15 years of my body getting worse and worse and worse.

So sort of that certainty I had been raised with, right, this black and white, this is how it is. It just didn't make sense for me anymore. My life was falling apart around me and I felt like I had two options. I either needed to, like God was either going to come in and miraculously heal me and show everybody his power. And I just had to have a really positive attitude until then, or He was going to do some new thing into my life, right? That would show everyone “Oh, this was the reason that had to happen to you”.

I waited and waited and waited and it never came. And so all of these people that have been around me my whole life, I felt like very few of them knew how to deal with that, like they had patience for initially being sick. And then when it went on for years and years and years, they all sort of hit their limit of like, we don't mentally know how to cope with this. So we're just not gonna be there for you at all. We're just gonna kind of ignore it. Like, you just need to have a good attitude, and stop talking about it all the damn time because we're over it.

Seth Price 27:29

Especially when you don't have a diagnosis that they can blame. You know, it's not that it's not that so I don't have to be mad about nothing.

Stephanie 27:39

I'll just kind of didn't I don't know it didn't click with me anymore, but I didn't really know what else to believe. So I think for a long time, I tried, I tried to just be positive encouraging Stephanie 24-7, you know, the physical embodiment of K-Love radio all the time. But that splits you like as a person and I think inside like on a soul level, it's almost like I fragmented into two people. And that's, it's not healthy, right? I'm a person who lives with complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and that wasn't diagnosed until much later in life. But I look back and I see the ways that I essentially fragmented myself and disassociated and that the religious faith that I was taught as a child really fed into that fragmentation, really made it so that I just couldn't connect these two sides of myself anymore.

I was putting on one face for everybody and behind all of it—it was almost like I wanted to doubt but didn't know that I was allowed to when I was wrestling with myself to even acknowledge those doubts. It took years for me to finally hit the point where I was like, I'm just sort of, I can't do this anymore. I'm done. I'm just gonna have to be 100% honest about how much this sucks. I did not sign up for this! I did the right things I lived the right Christian life and all of it sucks! So where do we go from here God? Either we're just completely done, or we're gonna have to find some new way to do faith because that isn't working for me anymore!

Seth Price 29:41

Yeah, and that analogy that you just chose is literally the title of your book. I don't know if that's the genesis of the book. But it's been too long since I read your book and I honestly didn't intend to email you until I did email you so I didn't write questions while I read your book. Yeah, those I do with intentionality. But yeah, the title of the book is The View from Rock Bottom. I will also say, I went to Liberty. And so for those parents listening, sending your kids to a conservative Christian school, even in private university or whatever, is not a guarantee that they don't realize that a slippery slope, like it is really exciting. Usually God gets bigger the closer you get to the bottom, at least for me, and, like, a lot bigger, which is amazing. Yeah, I relate to so much, not of not having diagnosis and all that. But yeah, I also grew up in a very strict fundamentalist Baptist Church. Independent Regular Baptist, which is a different thing all altogether. They're fun

Stephanie 30:41

Oh! Your IFB! They split off from CBA because we weren't conservative enough for that.

Seth Price 30:45

So that's my baggage. I won't go into my baggage. We're not talking about my baggae or somebody else can talk about baggage. You touched on a couple things there. You said, and you touched on it in your as well from from what I can remember in the back of this Rolodex in my head that's squeaky and needs WD-40. You talk a lot about the prosperity gospel, but I think a lot of it is that attitude. And then I can tell you from working in a bank, I think, I don't think the prosperity gospel is quote, unquote, the gospel. Because I think people just live their lives at least I see their debit card transactions, attenuate have, I donated money to charity, so I should get the job. I did this to that. So I should get this. I did this for this. So life shouldn't suck. I've been tithing, why does my my kid have cancer?

Can you talk a bit about the prosperity gospel? And I will say, I haven't talked about the prosperity gospel ever on this show, predominantly because I get pissed off. Secondly, because my venue for ammunition is Joel Osteen. And he blocked me years ago, I didn't even know that he did on all the places which really, now I'm sad about it. Oh, but at first, I was like, what did I say?

Stephanie 32:01

If it makes you feel any better Dave Ramsey has blocked me on all the places.

Seth Price 32:06

Yeah, I don't I don't really follow Dave Ramsey, because as a banker, what he teaches is, although relatively I don't want to get into finance, but relatively decently good advice, the way that he treats debt and sets people up to if you don't follow this, it's basically like religion. The religion I grew up in if you don't follow this rigid personification of success, your world will fall apart.

Stephanie 32:29

Oh, Dave is steeped in prosperity gospel reality, right?

Seth Price 32:34

Really?

Stephanie 32:35

Oh, gosh, absolutely. If you didn't pick up on it, there's a chapter towards the end of my book where I talked about being gifted and the beginning of the chapter talk about being gifted a financial guru class who the church like, it's pretty obvious I was talking about Dave Ramsey, but for legal reasons, meaning he loves to sue anybody that uses his name.

Seth Price 32:56

Can this stay in here? Is this one of those things that I have to get rid of?

Stephanie 32:58

Oh, no, you can leave this thing. Because like I said, he’s got me blocked on everything. There's no way we were going to publish his name in the book. That's, that is inviting a whole wealth of lawyers that nobody wants to do that. But I was clearly talking about Dave, everybody knew that. Yeah, I see prosperity gospel thinking all over his classes. And I say that because, you know, the gist of the beginning of the book, and kind of trying to set the tone for what the prosperity gospel is, is understanding that Joel Osteen, right, like, everybody looks at that example, or the Creflo Dollar like, everybody's got private planes and mansions and Paula White, right. If you tithe the $100, you'll get $1000.

And that's obvious, extreme prosperity gospel thinking. But mainstream Christian faith is absolutely rampant with prosperity gospel thinking too. We just don't think that it counts. Because the bottom line is the prosperity gospel is really any sort of transactional view of God, right. So growing up in the kind of background we did, nobody ever told us, you know, we were going to be wealthy if we follow Jesus. But there certainly was a messaging of “if you follow God, and if you teach your kids the right things, and they follow and they don't fall away from it, you may not be wealthy, but you're not going to be living under a bridge somewhere, right"? You're gonna have two kids and a white picket fence and a job and you won't be on drugs and you won't have mental health issues”.

And there was sort of a baseline minimum security you were guaranteed as long as you follow the rules. It's very contingent. It's very, “pull yourself up by your bootstraps mentality.” And that is the basis for all of Dave Ramsey's teachings is this idea of you decide and you control with your behavior, whether or not you are a person of wealth or whether you struggle financially, Dave has never remotely considered what it looks like for someone like me, right.

My mortgage is about comparable right now to my health insurance premium. They're both about the same. I don't care how much money you're making, almost nobody can afford that crap. Like I'm not…I don't need better envelope system! I'm not out here like, well, I guess we should cancel our gym membership. I don't have any of that stuff. And I also am still in the red. And Dave's you know, Dave's answers for that are get a third and fourth job.

Okay, well, how about when you're in a body where I can't really get any kind of 40 hour a week job! Because I've tried, but I end up losing them, three to six months later, because I get sick too often. And that doesn't last and around around that cycle go. He doesn't have any kind of framework for people other than sort of middle class, white, able-bodied, people who aren't experiencing any kind of systemic issues that can cause poverty, right.

That's absolutely prosperity thinking. I have all these good things in my life because I earned them because I followed the rules. And those people over there who are homeless or who are drug addicts or who are living in generational poverty. Well, they have all the same opportunities that I do. They just need to make good choices like me. That's prosperity thinking. Absolutely it is.

Seth Price 36:18

Yeah, I can also tell you on the back end, everyone that I've ever seen in financial struggles, maybe there's one out of 10 that legitimately just makes really bad decisions; impulse buys, and yeah, I wanted I get it I wanted I get it I want it, which is not wise for anyone. Most people though it's a medical emergency. It's family emergency, it's one trip to the emergency room.

But if you're a family like mine, so they recently tweaked our insurance, and we did the best that we could, but I'm not an economist, so I'm not really sure how to read this damn thing on what insurance to get. And so now our prescription deductible per person is $900 for this year. And so, so far, and since my son has quite a bit of prescriptions, so far, we've already spent like $3000 in medical bills, and it's February 25, for those listening. And that's just one person's prescriptions, and then a few of mine, and God forbid we go to the hospital because I think it's like a $6,000 family deductible. Like, it's those things that send people into a spot because I see it every day. It's very rarely somebody that didn't do it.

Stephanie 37:27

Right, like even those impulse buy people. Do you know about the Marshmallow Test that whole thing?

Seth Price 37:33

Is that the thing where you stick them in your mouth until you can't speak

Stephanie 37:35

No, there's this really famous psychological experiment where they bring kids into a room, right? And they give them a marshmallow on a plate and they basically say,

you can have this marshmallow right now. Or if you can wait for 5-10 minutes, whatever the amount of time is, you can have two marshmallows

and then they leave the room.

Seth Price 37:52

And they leave Marshmallow,

Stephanie 37:54

Right. And some of the kids would eat the marshmallow and some of the kids would wait because they wanted the other Marshmallow. And then they basically studied how these kids did in school and all these different things over the years. And for years, they held this up as like see, like, patience and these sort of good decision making and learning how to delay gratification is a really good benchmark for how successful people would be in life. But it took years for them to look back and go, wait a minute! This study was completely flawed on its head, because they didn't remotely look into things like what kids were coming in there hungry. Yeah, yeah, starving, with food insecurity.

Or as someone who grew up in trauma right in the foster system before I was adopted, they didn't remotely consider that it's not really an issue of like, do you know how to be patient and choose not to buy these things right now. For many of us, it's if you grow up in an environment where everything is taken away from you, where you are hurt by people who are supposed to take care of you constantly, your brain learns “Why would I trust this person that they're going to give me a second marshmallow when they come back in the room for all I know, they're going to take this one away and I'm gonna have no marshmallows, I need to freakin eat this marshmallow right now as fast as I can before it gets taken away from me and I get hurt, right”?

And so again, it's that prosperity thinking of “Oh, these are kids that were raised the right way that know how to delay gratification”. No! For many of them the reason that it was an indicator of how they would do in school later on was not because they were somehow, you know, choosing more patients or whatever it was, because for many of those kids that eat that Marshmallow, their brain has been wired from the get go to expect take what you can get while you can get it because everything is gonna get taken away from you. Everything's gonna suck! It is that same prosperity thinking, right? It's easy to look at people who overspend and go, we'll get your crap together.

But for many of them, it's that same trauma wiring of if you don't do this now, you'll probably never get to do it. You'll probably never have another chance again. So go out to dinner right now go on that vacation, buy that thing. Because for all you know, someone's going to lose their job tomorrow, like PTSD does this to your brain I relate to that feeling of if you don't do this now, you may never get to do it, because everything's probably gonna fall apart again, any minute. So just buy the thing, you’ll probably never have a chance again.

Seth Price 40:18

I never considered that actually. Granted, I don't really ask people about that when they're at my desk, either.

Stephanie 40:26

It would be weird if your bank did, like you shouldn't ask people about why they do bad spending.

Seth Price 40:30

I mean, if they brought it up, I will. Yeah, the most hard convert. I had one of these conversations today of a lady came in two days ago actually asking, you know, I need to make sure stuff is right. I’m mom's power of attorney. It's not looking good. They don't know it could be Friday, it could be three months, but it's probably not going to be three months. And so she came back in today. And just in tears, I was like, it's gonna be okay, here's what you're gonna do. And this is the most…like tell me what happened, and tell me the paperwork you have. And then you're going to go away for 10 days. I don't want to see you for 10 days, I will look at your account every day, I will make sure your mom's power bill and all that stuff got paid, that needs to be paid. Just go do wine, ice cream, chocolate, bath, all of that in the bath. I don't care, go do what you need to do. And come back in 10 days.

And you could just see her going. Oh, God. Thank the Lord. Unfortunately, I play that rodeo a couple of times a month, which is really sad. Yeah, it's a fact of life. Yeah, people that aren't in the business. They're like that sounds morbid, but it is what it is it I mean, it is what it is. Have you ever considered…have you ever gone to Tennessee? And if so I'm pretty sure you can just show up to the Ramsey tower, or whatever it is, and say I'm debt free and I like to come on and scream and then just get up there and say something else all together. Like have you ever actually considered?

Stephanie 41:52

(laughter) I do my best…like I say some stuff about Dave, which is why I'm blocked. I'm in a club full of there are a bunch of women like me.

Seth Price 42:05

Really?

Stephanie 42:06

Oh, yeah. Danielle Mayfield's been blocked. Shannon Martin's been blocked, like anybody that says anything critical with some teeth about Dave gets blocked. The funny part is, none of us had, like, “@” him, right. Like we didn't tag him. Which means I don't know, like he must have somebody going through and like searching his name. And just checking to see if you're saying negative stuff. Because we didn't ask him he just, I don't know, he blocked all of us. He doesn't like anybody saying anything negative about him.

Seth Price 42:35

Well, he's kind of brand-he's got a brand.

Stephanie 42:38

He does. So I probably would not come down there and draw his ire any more than I need to because I was only half joking when I said like, he's, he's a little bit notorious for suing people for defamation. So you have to be careful about what criticism you say about him.

Seth Price 42:58

Yeah, that stinks.

Stephanie 43:00

I wouldn't draw any more attention from him than I have. Fair enough. He's very wealthy and has a lot of lawyers.

Seth Price 43:06

Fair enough. So can you talk a bit about fostering, so I didn't know that you were or I didn't know that you were in the foster system. Can you talk a bit about how long were you in the foster system? If you're comfortable and if you are not tell me no.

Stephanie 43:19

I don't give tons of details about that period of my life because it's very traumatic. Yeah. And talking about some of it in the last, like publicly talking about it in the last year or so. I wasn't in the system in terms of like going around from home to home or anything very long, but it did take some time to get my adoption legalized. So I was technically in the foster system for a lot longer than I experienced it that way, if that makes sense.

But yeah, the short version is, for the first three years of my life. I lived with my birth parents. They had addiction issues, and introduced me to a very unsafe environment, there was a lot of neglect, there was a lot of being an infant left alone for days. And there was a lot of bringing a lot of unsafe people into our home. And then not really supervising them, because everybody was using drugs. So I was exposed to a lot of things in those first three years of my life, and that, you know, that's a pivotal time of your brain being wired for how to experience the world and how to expect the world. And it's taken me years. I mean, it's really only been in the last few years, that I've started to understand that a lot of what makes me tick is from those first three years.

And I had other traumatic things happen throughout the years. And so actually, initially when I got my complex post traumatic stress, diagnosis, and I started trauma therapy, I went in convinced like, Oh, it's, you know, I was sexually assaulted by someone in our church when I was a teenager. And I was like it must really be having to do with that, or the health issues or the years of financial struggles with being disabled and medical bills. Like I had all of these things I wanted to talk about therapists that I wanted to talk about before I was adopted and being adopted. And it was like, I don't I don't care about that. Like, why do we keep bringing this up. And it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that that was really the root of where a majority of my trauma issues came from.

When you were a child and you're completely dependent on your caregivers. And those caregivers are responsible for both neglect and abuse. Your brain just sort of comes to expect that the world is a really unsafe place. That you are going to be harmed. And then when you ultimately are taken away from those caregivers because it doesn't matter that they were horrible to me, they were still my parents. So as a child, you still experienced that loss, right? That disconnection from your, your family, they're just gone. And I was old enough to be attached to them and know them and understand. So you, you know, you go through that loss too. So it's compounded by the trauma of expecting that everyone's going to leave.

If you love anybody, they're going to get taken away from you, or they're just going to leave you because you're not worth sticking around for essentially. And so when you grow up with that, especially when you then compound it, and I'm able to see that now when you compound it, with a lot of the religious trauma of growing up in a system that said, first of all, you know, purity was the most important thing any woman could have. So if you're a child who's experienced abuse, what are you damaged goods, right? Or, you know, the family is the most important thing ever. And you know, it's a very earning based system all the way around like we may say that salvation is by grace alone. But Lord knows we were raised to think everything else was Works based. Everything else!

So you know, it's this idea of nobody wanted you your damaged goods to come up in that how how can you not be affected by that kind of trauma, whether you want to acknowledge it or not doesn't matter, your body's going to keep responding to those primal wounds.

Seth Price 47:23

Thank you for that. I don't know how to dig in further than that. But I actually don't think that I knew any of that, or so thank you for saying that. And we won't, we won't dwell on that further. At least I'm not I'm not ultimately, I'm not all that comfortable dwelling on that further. Um, so you've been on 9000 podcasts in the last seven weeks? Just from what iTunes tells me cuz I just googled your name and it or I don't know, can you you can't Google in iTunes

Stephanie 47:48

And a bunch that I've recorded actually haven't aired yet. It’s only probably only two thirds of what I've recorded.

Seth Price 47:55

So that is the reason I haven't quoted your book back to you and ask you questions. specifically around the book because that is there and I want to know other things. So one thing, what have you learned about yourself? As you've gone through 9000 podcasts, like what is like if you look back and you're like, oh, man, I didn't know that this, I keep bringing this up and I didn't like what have you learned about yourself through doing that? And I asked that because there's one that does. So I, you'll be the third person I record this week. I've learned so much about myself through the act of intentionally doing this, but I'm curious what that is for you from the other end?

Stephanie 48:32

That is a really good question. I'm sitting with that for a second. Um, well, first off, and this is kind of random, but um, part of my neurological issues disability wise involves something called aphasia, which means and imagine you took French for years and years, right, you're like practically near fluent. And then one day you decide to go out to a restaurant with your friends and you want to order in French You know the word for chicken? It's right there, right? You're like, Oh, it's the thing that I'm you know that. And you can't quite connect the word to your mouth. Yeah. Now imagine that happening with your primary language, that's aphasia, and that's something that I experienced pretty regularly as a result of the damage from Lyme disease that went untreated in my body for 15 years.

But I also have ADHD. So I experienced a lot of these interviews, I've had this happen over and over again, where we'll finish recording. And I'll be like, Oh, my gosh, I am so sorry. I made no sense. I was so like, rambling and incoherent. It was terrible. And there's usually a period of silence on the other end, and they're like, I don't know what you're talking about right now. I'm very confused because I didn't experience that way at all. And they'll tell me that I'm articulate and intelligent and I'm going that's not how I experienced things. And that's where ADHD becomes a superpower, right? Because my brain is like 12 sentences ahead of my mouth. And so I may have really bad aphasia, but I have enough time to scramble in there and search for the word or an alternate word or something.

So by the time it comes out of my mouth, I feel very frantic, but people don't receive it that way. And so I've tried to force myself now to go back and listen to some of these interviews after the fact, and I'm always really surprised because enough time passes, usually when it airs, right that you don't remember everything you said. I just remember feeling frantic and like I completely blew it and then I listened to it. And I'm like, well, that's a really good point. Wow, that is really…

Seth Price 50:44

I'm gonna write that down. I said that!

Stephanie 50:48

I’m impressed sometimes with myself as horrible as it sounds. And I'm kind of learning to let go a little bit. I'm not quite there yet. If I'm honest Have some of these fears that that i'm i'm not capable, right? Some of that imposter syndrome that says, Wow, if people only knew, like, you have no business being an author or speaker, any of these things, your brain is a mess. You're an incoherent, rambling nightmare. It's been really interesting when you do so many shows in a row to go back and be like, I am a lot more capable than I give myself credit for but that's hard for me to say even now, like, that's trauma brain, right? There's this part of my brain that's screaming that was really stuck up. Everyone's gonna hear that and they're gonna think, whoa, you think too highly of yourself. It's really hard to de-program that part of my brain that just wants to say you're worthless. You're not enough. Nobody wants you. So this has been an interesting process because I admit it I feel capable when I listen to some of these back. I'm not rambling, incoherent. I am a fairly talented speaker

Seth Price 52:03

I would agree also talented writer as well if because if not, people wouldn't want to talk to you and if people don't believe me then they can just buy your book which they should do anyway. But probably not from Amazon do it from like the Inglewood Review of Books or something so you actually make some real money. So I don't actually I think that's how that works. That's what I've been told that not buying from Amazon buy from a local book place usually yields you more money

Stephanie 52:28

I get the same royalty from my publisher wherever you buy it, it’s based on the price that you pay for it so if you pay full price I make more money than when you buy it on sale, but I get a percentage of each book sold based on how much you paid for it. Well, I theoretically would if I ever earned out the advance which not everybody does. So

Seth Price 52:57

I don't even know what that means.

Stephanie 52:59

You know how writers will talk about getting an advance for their book.

Seth Price 52:59

I had a writer tell me that's like signing an agreement with like, I'm like with the Gestapo or not, like with the mafia, like, write a book by March, we break your legs, like, wow, write me a book.

Stephanie 53:09

That's gonna vary wildly. Like, I had to take two extensions on my book because my health was horrific. And we almost lost our house at one point while writing the book. And I needed to focus on that. Yeah. So it varies wildly. My publisher was really gracious about extending my deadlines a few times, but advance is literally called an advance because it's an advance on your royalties.

Seth Price 53:33

Oh. So they give you money up front, and you got to sell 11,000 books. And then after that, you get whatever the percentages are 11,000 books.

Stephanie 53:39

Well, it's not even a number of books, that'd be great. Because the price shifts constantly it's literally a dollar amount. It's we gave you this much as an advance

Seth Price 53:47

You got earn that back…

Stephanie 53:48

Yeah. And that is the only guaranteed money you will ever get. And because they're assuming a lot of risk to right there assuming more financial risk than I am. And so it's sort of the bare minimum that I can accept for doing all of this work, which I'll let you know a friend it's less than, you know, a year salary. It's much less than a typical year’s salary.

Seth Price 54:09

Most of the authors that I talked to don't write to make money they write because they have something to say.

Stephanie 54:15

So in theory, I'll make money off this book, when people buy it, but only if I ever earn out the advance which, right now I'm not on target to do. To be honest, I just found out in the last few weeks that I'm not on target to earn out the advance at this point. So if that ever happens, I'll make money when people buy the book.

But as of right now, I only want people to buy the book because I spent three years pouring myself out in in the most vulnerable of ways like this book is basically written in my tears. It was quite the labor of love. So when I ask people to buy the book, it's really more that at this point. I've just sort of come to terms with expecting to never see another cent from it. It's not about the money for me anymore. I really just see this as ministry.

Seth Price 55:05

Yeah, they should buy the book.

Stephanie 55:08

So you just buy it wherever it's easiest for you to buy it basically doesn't matter to me either way.

Seth Price 55:13

Um, I know I'm holding you hostage for your family. And so I have one final question and then I will give you back to your husband and kiddos. And please thank them for for sharing you not only with me, but I'm aware of my wife and kids as well are aware of how much time this takes. And you appear to be doing it way more often than I am.

Stephanie 55:33

I mostly do it when they're at school to be honest.

Seth Price 55:34

I try to do it when they're asleep, which is why it really works well that our time zones are so far different because this worked really well. Well, at least for me. I hope it did for you.

Stephanie 55:44

Yeah, my husband and kids are out having dinner somewhere right now. I can't even have them in the house when I’m doing this.

Seth Price 55:50

You should have them come in it's fine. My dog and kids have interrupted so many episodes is fine. Um, so the question I've been asking everyone for dominance because I'm talking to people about it of other faiths. I want to know when you say the word God or divine or whatever metaphor you want to try to wrap around god What are you actually trying to say? What are you intending to say when you say God is this tiny question so feel free collect your thoughts.

Stephanie 56:16

Geez! Like I’m fading fast and getting ready to go to bed mode I'm like wait a yeah let's send on a light note…

So as much as I've been through a lot of deconstruction and as much as I don't really connect to Evangelicalism anymore, evangelical as a label, and I'm still head over heels in love with the Christian concept of God. I'm how to really love Jesus, I still have what is traditionally considered a quote unquote high view of Scripture. And that's such a weird dichotomy for me sometimes, because I fall into this strange niche. And that's part of why my book sales are what they are, to be honest, is that I'm too liberal for most of my Christian friends and I'm too Christian for a lot of progressive spaces. And so I'm in this interesting tension of I still am head over heels in love with Jesus, and I'm still an almost daily Bible reader. I'd love to say daily but that would be a lie. I’m also pretty nerdy and and obsessed with it and not ready to give it up. And I've had other shows ask like, hey, after some of the years of trauma and church related trauma and things that you experienced, like what kept you like, what was the thing But how do you hold on to Jesus and faith?

And I don't have a good answer for that still, even after like a dozen different shows asking that because I don't know, like everything logically, when I look at it really objectively, there's no logical reason why I would still be in church. Honest to God, there's been a lot of hurt there. There are so many reasons to leave. And there are times that I feel like I almost wished I could leave. I tried out the #exvangelical movement for a while and it just never felt like home. I never fully felt like like, I have a Facebook group and I tried it out. And I don't know, like there was something I just was never quite willing to let it all go.

So for me, God is still very much the traditional god of the Christian Bible. And I'm exploring a lot about Jewish faith right now because I Found out a couple years ago that by birth heritage, I'm Jewish. And if I hadn't been adopted, I would have been raised in the Jewish faith from the get go. And I'm trying to figure out what that looks like as a white for all intensive purposes, white Christian woman, what it means to be culturally Jewish without sort of taking weird elements of faith that don't belong to me. Yeah. But I think that's expanding my view of who God is, in a lot of ways as I try to figure out what I can incorporate without letting go of Jesus entirely. And but for the most part, it's, you know, the God of the Hebrew and Christian Bibles is still what I mean when I say God. I've tried to ditch him Lord knows I've tried but he's still there.

Seth Price 59:53

That works for me. I like it.

Stephanie 59:56

I think it kind of circles back to your your beginning question. I love when that happens when things get bookended like that. I think the biggest change for me in the way I look at God now compared to the way I experienced the God of the Bible growing up, is that growing up there was this idea of like, if there's mystery there, if there's questions like that's a really negative thing, right? That's a scary thing. It means you've lost touch with absolute truth and what we've told you, go back and re memorize all this stuff. You need to know it inside out and backwards. And now, it's been amazing to discover how much doubt and questions and mystery and not having answers to everything. I always thought that that would be the thing that killed my faith in God. It's really only expanded it in ways that I never expected like now, anytime I have questions that I can't answer or things I don't understand about God, this is gonna sound like a cop out, but I feel like that is so much more proof to me that God exists, and that more than He's not something that we just made up in human minds. Because if we made him up our nose we would have made him way more like comprehensible and make way more sense than some of what's in there right?

Now every time I go I don't have an answer for that. That doesn't make sense. I don't understand. I don't know like I just have this profound appreciation for mystery for me is such a huge component in seeing the divine as divine and not this sort of mental black and white easy answers bumper sticker responses have an answer for everyone garbage that I was raised on right? The more I go I don't know. I can't really explain everything about him The more I sit back and go that's that's good. Like I take a lot of comfort in that.

Seth Price 1:01:47

I agree wholeheartedly to me. That's what makes God worth worshiping. Yeah, I'm not like if I could fit them into the if I could make an EULA agreement for God like it like an apple. It agreement and we'll call it that those are the rules god what a crappy god that is. But anyway, so point people to the places Stephanie, where do people go? I'll have links to buy the book in the show notes. But outside of that, where would you send people to to engage with you? I know you have a Patreon and so they should go there, click the button and make that thing happen. Where would you send people to go where are the places?

Stephanie 1:02:23

The main hub where you can find all my social media my patreon links to the book the whole deal is Stephanie Tate Writes, and Tate is Tait. Thats my Canadian husband don't look at me. But Stephanie Tate Writes has really sort of has the connection, jumping off points that will take you to all the other stuff. I will say that I have a lot on Facebook. I don't have like one of those professional pages. I tried that for a bit and I just couldn't maintain two things. I think I'm getting close to the friend limit ceiling on a personal page though, I may have to try that again. They cap you out at 5000 Really want you to get those business pages so they can throttle your engagement ability and then go wow, we'll show you in more people's newsfeeds if you pay for that.

So they're trying to push you in that direction. So anytime you get to 5000 they're like, well, you either need to go get a page so we could start charging you or you just have to accept that this is the limit. But yeah, I have that Facebook, I do accept friend requests, you know, somewhat on my personal page, but there's also the option to just follow me but really all my fiestier opinions are over on Twitter anyway, some rough cuts.

Seth Price 1:03:42

Well, yeah, cuz you've only got a sentence and a half on Facebook. You can give some context, but on Twitter, it's just burn it down or whatever. Yeah, yeah. Well, good. Good. Thank you so much for your time tonight.

Stephanie 1:03:54

Thank you!

Seth Price Outro 1:04:07

So upon editing and going back through and making this sound a little more manageable, I found myself incensed again this week's after recording conversation with Stephanie, about the ability that churches and houses of worship I guess, have to just disregard people that don't fit into the mold by their own definition of what's healthy. It just bothers me. It bothers me so much and I don't even know how to fix it as the problem. And so I don't know what to do with that. I have no idea where to vent that frustration at, but I know it's wrong. So I'm thankful for voices like Stephanie's I think that they're needed. So so much.

Remember to rate and review the show. Very Special thanks to salt to the sound again for the music in this episode. I cannot stress how helpful it has been to have them To fall back on to to, to mix into this show. So I hope every single one of you have a safe and blessed week.

I'll talk with you next time.

Everyone's Story Matters with James Prescott / Transcript

Note: Can I Say This at Church is produced for audio listening. If able, I strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which has inflection, emotion, sarcasm where applicable, and emphasis for points that may not come across well in written word. This transcript is generated using a combination of my ears and software, and may contain errors. Please check the episode for clarity before quoting in print.

Back to the Audio Episode


James Prescott 0:00

We have to acknowledge that grief is the biggest problem that we have right now; unresolved grief, (the) inability to grieve well, is a huge problem, not just for individuals, but as a culture. And I’m absolutely convinced that one of the reasons that we are in the mess we are politically in the UK and in America—is that we did not grieve culturally. Where we've been able to let go of the past and people have mythological stories past like, Make America Great Again, whether there was this some mystical period in the past where wherever it was all great, and everything was happy, and everything was good, you know?

Because people haven't grieved the fact that we live in a different world now, that times have changed and circumstances have changed, and they really haven't grieved things in their own life that have gone on people compiled and manipulate that.

Seth Price Intro 1:06

Hello there friends. How are you doing? Welcome to episode. I don't know what episode This is 120 something? I don't know. Yeah, I can't keep up anymore. That was everybody. How has your March treated you? It's been a crazy March has it not on all of the levels. It's um, it's a bit overwhelming, isn't it? So today I spoke with James Prescott. Now he has a podcast that I don't really talk much about but it's beautiful. It's called the Poema podcast and you'll see that link in the show notes. But if you like kind of what he's saying here and the tempo and, and the intentionality with James's words I would really recommend after the show, click down there, definitely listen to what he's doing. It's really good.

So here's what you can expect. So we talk a bit about trauma and the church, we get into politics. But more importantly, we get into an understanding that your view and my view have equal weight. And we have to learn how to listen to each other, and respect one another and find safe places and learn how to create and help foster those safe places. And so I really hope that you enjoy this conversation I had with James on a bright and early, like 5:30 in the morning, because of the time difference on a Saturday. So here we go with James Prescott.

Seth Price 2:50

James Prescott, thanks for it's like six in the morning in the States and that way we can do this. So James, I appreciate you coming on and meeting me early and early in my morning in the middle of the day for you, but, but Happy Saturday to you and I appreciate you being here.

James Prescott 3:07

Yeah, it's great to be here. Thank you for inviting me. It's a real privilege to be on. Be on the show.

Seth Price 3:13

Well, I don't know if it's a privilege, but I appreciate you coming. (laughter both)

James Prescott 3:18

It is this is a great podcast.

Seth Price 3:20

There is going to be some more of my favorite questions that I asked a while back. I feel like it's been November so we've been working on this for like three four months because everybody's busy and we keep having to reschedule and whatnot but a while back, you had said you know, hey, I'd like to talk to some people about some things going on in my life and, and just some of my experiences and what I've learned, anybody interested?

I can't remember if I volunteered myself or someone else said you should talk with me. I feel like it was that someone else volunteered, but it doesn't really matter. I'm glad that we finally made it happen. I want you if you could for those listening to kind of go “You know, hey, you may or may not know me, but here's who I am. And here's what I want you to know about me”, and then we can kind of dive into some of the topics of the day.

James Prescott 4:08

Okay, well, I'm James…James Prescott. I do a lot of writing. And I host a podcast called the Poema podcast, which is poem with an A, on the end. We're doing that for about five years. Which is scary to think of actually, up to nearly 200 episodes now. I live in London over here in the United Kingdom, which is why I have a British accent. (laughter from Seth)

Yeah, and yeah, we talk about on that podcast we talk about a lot of the things we're into it today we talk about, talk about the spiritual journey. We talk about creativity, we talk about trauma and grief and mental health and all that kind of thing. We'll talk about lots of different things. I have a lot of guests on where we then listen to their stories and we talk about their stories. And yeah, so I guess that's a little bit about me.

I love movies. I you know, I'm a bit of a movie buff. I also like love reading. And yeah, I mean, that's kind of me in a nutshell. But my story is obviously a bit. A bit more…a bit longer. I, in terms of I think we talked about talking about trauma and grief and things and when I was growing up, I had a major childhood trauma because my, my mother had a massive attack when I was eight years old. Which the doctors thought she would not live and that, you know that she was going to die. She was in a coma. She was on a ventilator. They didn't think she would recover. She did. She did, she came out of the coma. But there was a cost to that which was an easy for short term memory. And that really affected everything in terms of my dad's relationship with her, you know, the potential for what the life we could have had, the life that she could have had. There was an element of grieving there of that in terms of what could have been and what wasn't.

And you know, something did die that day, although my mother didn't die. And that was really the beginning of the childhood trauma really, because that had consequences. Because my mother, who had been who was a very independent woman that wanted to work, wanted to have her own life (but) could no longer work, even though she was still able to live a day to day life. She couldn't work because her short term memory didn't work properly. And that that was very depressing for her because that was part of who she was. And she tried to very difficult to come to terms with that as anybody would and ended up becoming an alcoholic. And that affected my parents marriage.

I was getting bullied at school as a teenager, but nothing ever got done. I would come home from school, my parents would be fighting, I'd be breaking up their fights. So my kind of needs got neglected as a child. Even though I know my parents loved me, and I knew that they cared about me, and I knew that they were not bad parents and they hadn’t set out to be bad parents. They were just human beings who were imperfect, and they've gone through a major trauma, all of them. So you know, when mother had lost her part of who she was, my dad had to grieve the loss of the woman that he married in a sense part of the woman that he married and also had to carry the whole family emotionally and financially as well with two little children.

So there was a big toll on both of them. And that was really another consequence was was my teenage years where I got deflected and where I was kind of breaking up fights and where I was fighting a lot for about five years. All this time I was in the church. I was in a Methodist Church, just my only outlet really was prayer. And even then, I didn't really ask for anything. I just told God what was happening, because I had needed somebody to talk to. So yeah, that was kind of my art when I was 18. And I went to university and things were a lot better. But a couple years after I finished university, my mother passed away she had another asthma attack. And by this time she had gotten into recovery in, the parents had split up, and they were getting a lot better. And things were a lot more positive and a lot more healthy. So everyone was in a really good place. But obviously then she passed away.

So that's a whole big thing as well, because I was 23 years old when Mother mother passed away, which is not normal for 23 years old to bury a parent. So yeah, obviously, I went through a lot of grief, and had a lot of anger for a long time. And eventually I did get counseling for that. But the biggest, one of the one of the biggest, impacts of grief for me was was was that the god I've been brought up with was not no longer big enough for me. It was no longer big enough for what he had been through. And I had a lot of questions and a lot of doubts and a lot of things I really don't said. And that kind of led me too, out of out of kind of a more conservative church to kind of more liberal progressive Christianity, I guess.

And I started to discover liturgies and meditations and things like Lectio Divina all those kinds of things, which were really, really beneficial for me. But I think what ultimately happened is I found another form of certainty. Because certainty is kind of the structure that we build around our pain. It what we do to numb the pain instead of dealing with it. And we always talk about addictions like you know that, you know, alcohol, or drugs or you know, overeating and all those kinds of things that we do too numb the pain. But our religious certainties was another another way is another addiction essentially, is what we use to numb the pain. And although I was in a much more progressive, kind of Christianity…I am much more open and much more, you know, liberal. underneath the surface, it was another form of certainty. Because I knew I knew inside of me there was still stuff I hadn't resolved. I just knew, intuitively that there was something I hadn't dealt with that it was still there. Even though my life actually had got pretty good by then it was I was, you know, I was working and I had a home and I had a, I was part of a church and I was part of a Home Group and everything seemed pretty steady.

But I knew there was something that was not still not right. And I had a lot of anger. I used to shout at God quite a lot. I used to tell him that I hated him. I was like, why does this happen? Why did this happen? This isn't right. How could you just sit there and watch all this happen to me and do all this damage to me? I would get triggered sometimes and then I would lash out at God and tell him, I hate him. And yeah, all he did was sit and enjoy my suffering. And that's all I cared about. And I think I really felt that under the surface, because I wasn't given any space to deal with this stuff. I was just burying it around under the structure of the life that I’d built and the steady job that this sort of certainty of fundamentalist Christianity.

Seth Price 12:40

Let me ask you a question on that? So you talked about the God that you know, you you came up with, that you grew up with in the Methodist Church? So one of the things that I always been wondering about is, does the way that we do and you talked about fundamentalism here in the States, does that look the same in you know, in London, or in the the UK and then as well, you talked about, you know, pivoting to like a liberal, liberal progressive type of faith, does that also look the same as what we do here in the States? Because I think ours is so commingled with our politics. And you know what I mean, like, so do those look the same or what are some of the differences you think?

James Prescott 13:17

It's certainly not mingled with politics in the same way. There's a big distinction between church and state. There's quite a secular culture over here, more than America, I think. Issues like abortion and that which which are huge issues in America, politically and also tied into faith, you know, because what conservative faith is they are they also have issues here. That's why we don't ask politicians what they think about abortion generally. That rarely comes up if ever you know, I couldn't tell you what, what different political leaders will believe about abortion because nobody asked them because people don't on that concern. It's a more secular culture here than it is in America. But there are elements of conservative Christianity here. There's elements of progressive Christianity here, which is similar in terms of theology, I suppose.

I haven't experienced the most extremes of conservative Christianity that I see in America. But that doesn't mean they don't exist. It's complicated really. I mean, what I see here is that there is this there's still this fundamentalist kind of way of believing whether you're conservative or progressive is this it doesn't seem to matter. There's still this kind of, this is America as well, like, like what I've learned on my journey, is that you that it is as important if not more important, how you hold your beliefs, how you believe, than what you believe.

And what I mean by that is that you can, you can be a conservative but if you're willing to listen to other people's stories, if you are willing to admit that you're wrong, if you're willing to learn if you're willing to change, if you're willing to understand and hold disagreements with other people in tension, then that's a much healthier place to be and somebody who is maybe progressive in their theology, but will not listen to anybody else's story. Will not listen to anybody else's opinion. Will make blanket statements about them, maybe judge them, maybe condemn them and not like not not listen, because that person is never going to grow. They're going to stay where they are. The person who holds their beliefs tightly.

So it's really dangerous because I've seen it, I see it on Social Media there's, there are a lot of progressive fundamentalists and there are conservative fundamentalists. And there are also progressives and conservatives who are not fundamentalists at all and are willing to listen, and willing to have conversations, and willing to learn from each other, willing to hold their disagreements, intention. And people that are much healthier and they grow much more, I think they can have a deeper spirituality, and they understand that it's not all kind of what Richard Rohr calls like, “dualistic thinking”, my you know, dualistic thinking is like “in-out, either-or”. Whereas what he talks about is the healthiest way to live is “both-and”, you know, when you're willing to listen to each other when you're willing to hear each other's stories when you're willing to learn from each other or when you're when when it's not in our either but where everything belongs. And, you know, that's where I've kind of shifted to as a result of like, coming out of this, this this period that I was in because I had all this pain that I knew was there and when I finally chose to confront it.

Seth Price 17:10

And then confronting it, you so you talked about, we talked about God feeling too small, is that because of the way that the I guess the Methodist Church that you were at, like, there was just no space for you to have those feelings or emotions towards God or towards your mom or towards yourself or, or what was that?

James Prescott 17:29

I felt like well, the culture that I was brought with I my perception of it anyway. whether this was actually actually what they were saying to me, I don't know. But the the perception I got was that God was distant. You don't question God, you go by Jesus to God. You believe the right things and do the right things or you're going to hell, although that's never that was never overtly said. But it was implied and that he's in control of everything.

And then I went to university and I had a, although it was a Methodist Church, it was a much more evangelical kind of church, it was around the time of Toronto Blessing in the 90s. So there was a lot of that happening, a lot of falling over and, you know, people speaking in tongues and being in the Spirit, and you know, waving hands everywhere, was kind of just happening. And I was a student at the time. So I got caught up in that a little bit. And that was, again, a God of like, yeah, although I think I was closer to God then, that God was closer to me and wasn't so distant. But nevertheless, when my mother died, it was like, Well, I got questions for you and I don't understand what's going on. And this isn't what I've been brought up with and what I've experienced so far isn't enough. It doesn't deliver all that waving his hands in the air thing and speaking into and stuff, that's all great, but it doesn't, it doesn't deal with my pain. It doesn't reconcile with what I've been through.

That's all very well and good, but it does, but it's not. But you don't get my subservient, undivided worship just for being God anymore. You know there's I, you know I have questions for you and I want to engage in those questions. And for five years after my mother died I didn't really do that I buried it all per thought I can't do this. I can't have these questions. I can't say Oh, I can't think what I'm thinking I can't express this publicly because people will start saying they have concerns and they'll start to have questions about my faith and work on it. And you know, and then I read Velvet Elvis.

Seth Price 19:47

Rob Bell does it again.

James Prescott 19:49

And it changed my life literally. I was like, Oh, I can have all these questions and still have a relationship with God. I still know Jesus. It's okay. It was like water in the desert at last! It was like solidarity. And that's what I found that new church, which helped me with all of these things. I was engaging with all of these things at the time. And with that space I needed that church kind of evolved five or six years later, it was the same leadership but it was almost a different church completely. It kind of for me, it started to become more of an evangelical church more kind of more certainty, a bit more fundamentalist.

There were issues with LGBTQ stuff because I thought they were an inclusive church, and they appear to be for a long time, and they said that they were and then in LGBTQ couple in our church, we're not allowed to lead a home group. And I was like Okay, I can't…I can't accept this. You know, that's when I really started to think, well, maybe I need to maybe I need to leave. Yeah, you know, I know exactly three, four years before I did leave, but that's when that seed was planted.

You know, it was, it was like, oh, maybe I'm not going to be here as long as I thought I was going to be here. You know, I stayed to start with because I thought, well, I've got to try and hold our disagreements in tension. I've got to be the bigger person here. I've got to not try and create more division. Like because that’s where I was then. But then over time, it was like, well, I've got loads of LGBTQ friends and if I'm staying here, I'm condoning this behavior. And I’m agreeing with it and I'm saying it's okay. And I don't think it's okay. And you know, the LGBTQ who should be leading they should be involves anybody else in leadership of the church. There's no reason not to. And so, yeah, that was one of the that was another big driving reason for me to leave.

The other reason was just that I kind of started to feel trapped. And it was like wearing a straight jacket. And the only time I realized this was physically was when I went to my new community for the first time. And I was in between, I was doing, I was doing two at the same time because I was trying different things out. And I went to this new community, which is now my spiritual community. And I have physical physically felt myself breathe out in church for the first time, for years.

Seth Price 22:43

I mean, just like exhale, like, just sigh of relief, like, okay.

James Prescott 22:47

Yeah. And it was involuntary. Just like I felt it like oh, I haven't felt like this in church, right? I can just be me. I can just be where I am. And it's okay. All right back to the other church to next week and I physically felt bound up almost in a straitjacket couldn't say what couldn't say what I thought and couldn't sit in the couldn't even go into the service to be honest. The last year I was there, I couldn't even go into a service. I couldn't listen to the sermons. I couldn't…I couldn't sing the songs. It was too painful.

And I couldn't say what I really felt. I couldn't be me there and I found this new place which was a contemplative community, which allow for different theologies, different perspectives, different stories, and didn't prescribe anything-it was very bottom up and had about 20 people. Very small, low bands, very inclusive theology, very just generally inclusive. And where I did a lot of contemplation, a lot of silence, a lot of meditation a lot of today, but still had kind of the Eucharist, which I loved as well. And it was like, “Oh, this is home.” You know? And so I've been there ever since.

Seth Price 24:38

If you're comfortable so the people that listen to this show like the UK is, I don't know, third or fourth biggest people that listen to the show of, you know, of 10s of thousands of people a month. Do you mind saying what that…what that church community is in case there's someone listening, it's like, you know, I actually do live close by the area, and I haven't found a place that I feel comfortable then that will listen to me and just let me Let me be and let me sit in the presence. What is that if you're comfortable with it?

James Prescott 25:04

If no, no, I think it's fine. It's called Moot. And it's based in central London every Sunday evening, about 6:30. And it's, it's just a really small community. And it's, yeah, very contemplator, very inclusive. We have one, bring some food and we have a reflection and then we discuss it. You know, and it's like, there's no wrong answers. You can all, we all have our own different perspectives and stories, and that's fine no judgement whatsoever, and it's just a really safe space and really supportive, whatever you're going through. It's just a really lovely community, you know, really supportive and, yeah, I'd recommend it.

There are these kinds of spaces if you look for them. I don't want it to become too big. Because I love it.

Seth Price 26:03

Never-mind I'll edit it out. I'll edit it.

James Prescott 26:07

It is very interesting I mean we meet in an Anglican church building but we're not an officially we're an Anglican community but we're not really in our spiritual journey you know? So it's just beautiful You know, I really do. It doesn't make I don't have to be like a “Christian” to go there and then there's no kind of label I don't like to use the label Christian really anymore; I said this to someone the other day “I have a Jesus centered spirituality”. You know it encompasses a lot of different things. And it's weird because my relationship with Jesus now if it's better than than my relationship with God still, then I go to my trauma and I'm coming back from out of my trauma.

One of the things that happened during that process because I started seeing a spiritual director and a mindset coach and things which all really helped. And my director was also trained as a therapist. So that was really, really helpful. But we talked about Judas. And when he betrays Jesus, I forget which gospel it's in. But Jesus says to Judas,

friend do what you came here to do.

He doesn't call him enemy. He doesn't call him traitor. He doesn't call him Satan, or whatever. He just calls him friends. Like he forgives him. He loves him, even though knowing what he's going to do. And I thought about all those times I shouted at God and said I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I meant it.

And when somebody read that passage to me, and in that, in that context, I was like, oh like that. All those times I was shouting at God. Jesus was there. Like saying, James, just do what you came here to do? Like, if you need to shout at me if you need to say you hate me, just do it. I'm still gonna be here. I still love you. I'm still a friend. I forgive you. It's okay. It's all okay. And that was a really powerful moment for me. But I could just let it go and it was okay.

Seth Price 28:32

So if you were to sit down and you got like, say the leaders of you know, 10-15 different congregations of church across London, you know, and they're all like James, we realize as a church body worldwide, that grief, doubts, and trauma are literally destroying the church. I actually said something on Twitter the other day on Facebook about certainty as well. So you know, certainty is going to destroy the church if, if we let it which ended up getting fairly a lot of traction. Most of it was people being passive aggressive, like, Are you certain about this? And I'm like, I think you're missing the point. But no I'm not certain about this, you jerk. Don't take my words and twist them, but whatever.

And if you had them all with you, and you're like, you know, we need to talk about grief, and trauma, and anger. Here's what needs to change, not necessarily in the church that you're at now. But realistically, here's what we all need from you. Because I don't really struggle with grief and doubt. And I'm blessed enough that so far, I haven't had to deal with a lot of death and a lot of that as a person, you know, or a lot of things that cause that kind of trauma or doubt or grief.

I mean I've had my own issues, but it's not, it's not that. So what would you say to congregational leadership of all different walks, that are in front of you, and you're like, here's what we need to do; we just need to name this problem and here's four or five things that we should try—regardless of whether or not you're Catholic, Protestant, Anglican, Baptist, Methodist, fill in whatever denomination you want to.

James Prescott 30:08

Wow.

I think the first thing that we need to learn to listen to each other. Like we need to actually just say like, everyone's stories matter. I want to hear your story. I want to listen to your story. So that we're not always fighting with each other. You know that's, we can just say, okay, we can believe different things, but we can still get on and we can still have relationship and we can still love other people. And we can still engage in community, even if we disagree on things. I think that's really important.

I honestly think as well in terms of grief. We have to acknowledge that grief is the biggest problem that we have right now. Unresolved grief, the inability to grieve well, is a huge problem not just for individuals but as a culture. I'm absolutely convinced that one of the reasons that we are in the mess we are, politically in the UK and in America, is that we did not grieve culturally very well. We've been able to let go of the past and people have mythologica-lized the past like, Make America Great Again, where there was some mythical period in the past where wherever it was all great, and everything was happy, and everything was everyone was rich. Everyone was good, you know. And, you know, because people haven't grieved the fact that we live in a different world now, that times have changed and circumstances have changed. And maybe they haven't grieved things in their own life that have gone. People can play on that and manipulate that. And church leaders can do that as well.

I mean, that's another thing as well, we have to learn how to grieve well. We have to acknowledge that we all carry grief around with us. Like whether it's, whether it's a loss of a relationship or you lose a job, or a pet dies, or, you know, it can be anything like something that's coming to an end, a season of our life that's coming to an end, maybe our children are going to school for the first time; and we have to leave them at school. And we've had them with us for a few years and we don't want to do that. And it's painful to just let them go. But you know, we have to do it ffor their own good and their own growth. That's a grieving.

You know, we have to learn how to sit in our grief and that's what I would say to churches don't build structures around people's pain. actually engage with it and create support networks. Church should be a support network for people who are trying to deal with their pain not a structure which allows them to avoid it.

You know, I've heard this many times that Alcoholics Anonymous is what church should be because you go there, and you tell your story, and tell the truth, and you don't hold anything back. And there's no BS, one of the signs on the door is no BS, and you're just accepted and loved and welcomed as you are. And you're allowed to process your pain, you're allowed to process whatever you're carrying, and be accepted anyway.

And that's what church should be. It should be a safe space where you can just be you without any judgment or fear or condemnation, or anyone prescribing anything to you or people saying that, oh, God can fix everything or you believe the right things are going to be okay. That's just another way of building a structure around pain so that we don't have to deal with it. And what I would say to check Jesus did not do this thing that you're doing. Jesus actually felt his pain. He allowed himself to get tortured and beaten up and humiliated and go to this physical and emotional trauma. And when he was offered vinegar to numb the pain he refused it, he knew that it was important to feel the pain, because that's the only way that you can defeat it.

Like, what we need to do is to build structures into our pain that allow us to go into our pain and come out of it without it having the power to control us. Because there's no happy ever after. Like, we need to let go of this idea of a happily ever after. And I said this on Twitter before as well. But like as Christian, it's almost like oh, believe the right things, do the right things and then you can be free of all these all this stuff, and go and live your life. And it'll all be okay. Then once you've dealt with it, it doesn't work like that. That's not what life is about.

I discovered on my journey as I've dealt with my grief and my trauma is that there are layers to it. Like I've dealt with the principal raw pain of my grief and trauma. And I've left that behind, and I've now got free of it, and I’m now able to go in and out of it without it controlling me. But as you grow and as you go through the different layers of consciousness, you discover new layers to this to these to these rooms, like discovering things about what grief and trauma did to me that I wouldn't have done if I hadn't been willing to go there in the first place and get healing for the original wound. Because it goes so deep.

And I realized that I've got abandonment issues, I've got trust issues. I've got issues with trusting God, like and it's all because of this grief and trauma. But I wouldn't have realized that if I hadn't done the work in the first place. So we have to be aware that this is a process and it's not about a destination. It's about the journey like and you know, there are ups and down, there'll be moments of joy, there will be moments of happiness. There'll be seasons where things are good. But there will also be seasons where it's not good and where it's painful, where it's difficult. And we all know that life is like that anyway, you know, there's always ups and downs in life. We will all lose somebody, we will all have a relationship that ends or we will lose, we lose a parent or we will all have to grieve in some way we will all go through pain is part of being human.

And that's what I love about Jesus is because he modeled this. Somebody said this to me, and it really helped me connect with Jesus, is that Jesus was an outcast as a child, even his own family, part of his own family. And he couldn't marry because of that, when all the people that his own age were doing that. And then he lost a parent. And then he went through betrayal and extreme emotional, physical trauma. You know, I heard that I was like I've had almost all of that happened to me. That's exactly my story. When I realized that I connected with Jesus in a way that I never connected with him before I discovered a deeper intimacy with him.

And also he became more divine to me, in his humanity. You know, the more I see Jesus full humanity, the more I see his divinity, in a way. I don't see…the miracles and all of those kind of things. That's not where I see the divine in Jesus is in his, in his raw humanity or in his solidarity. And that example and the example that he gives us of like, Don't avoid the pain, don't build, don't build things around the pain, don't hide from it, confront it, because then you can be free. You know, and that's, that's kind of what I would say. I guess it's not, I don't know where you get a five step plans or anything like that.

Seth Price 37:59

Well, let me ask You know, the question with the churches that you've been engaged with and you talk with is as many people as I do, you know, doing a podcast yourself. Do you really feel like…I agree with you, I think that we need to find space to listen to each other. I think I was on a podcast one time and that's literally what I said. If I could snap my fingers like God, you know, Thanos kind of button. They would, that's what I said is like, I wish we could just hear each other, like just actually hear what each other's not what we said, but what we meant, like just hear each other.

And so I totally agree with that. But I find myself wondering, while you were speaking, if every church that could do that actually literally did that, do you feel like the leadership staff in each church? Like I don't think pastors are trained to actually deal with trauma. I think pastors trained to sell the church. I don't think they're trained to sit with people, if that makes sense. So I wonder what kind of damage it would do if we actually did what we're supposed to do damage in a good in a bad way? I don't know.

James Prescott 39:03

Yeah, but this is where church leaders need to actually own that and say, Look, I'm not a professional. I'm not a mental health professional. Your churches need to be supporting people to get the professional help that they need. To me, the role of spiritual community is to be a support network, like a structure like a healthy structure, which allows you to, again, to go into that place and come out of it and not be alone. And it not control you. And the church is not mental health professionals. You know, I'm very passionate about getting access to mental health professionals for everybody rather than based on ability to pay. I think that is wrong, it shouldn't be just the rich that are able to go and get a therapist. In fact, it should be everyone should be able to have access to a therapist and counseling and all those kinds of things. And then what the charity to do is to build relationships with those people so that you can actually say, Okay, we have a few people, you know a few people who we could refer you to who are professionals, and we will provide support when you're seeing them.

Like we will be here for you, we will, we will pray for you we will be we will be accountable. You can talk to us about what's going on, we can love you, we can be there for you, as you go as you walk through this. That is what spiritual communities should do. Because the church should not try and be a mental health professional.

I actually talked to somebody on my podcast, who is actually providing a kind of a network of mental health professionals to support churches because they see this need and it's, it's unfair on pastors as well to ask them to be a mental health professional. It's not their job.

You know, pastors have a role, but it's not to do that, you know, unless they actually trained as a mental health professional themselves, which is pretty rare. And also, it's too much for one person to take on for a whole community as well, you know. And prayer groups and all that kind of thing, one to one prayer, that can be really helpful as well. But you do need professionals as well. You can't deal with mental health, just by praying for somebody. You know, I don't, I don't, I don't agree with that. You need professionals who know, they're talking about who can get to the root of this stuff, without the kind of all the boundaries of religion and church. So you can go anywhere where people are free to talk about whatever they want and deal these problems. (cough) sorry, I’ve got a cough.

Seth Price 42:04

You almost you almost made it (through the full episode)

James Prescott 42:07

It's winter in the UK, so I’ve got a typical kind of man flu cough.

Seth Price 42:07

It's winter here as well, but it's been so mild. I actually bought a snowblower a few years ago, and I've yet to be able to use it. It still has the bindings on it. I just cranked it up every month or so just to keep the engine working.

James Prescott 42:26

Yeah, we haven't had a thick snow for a long time. So yeah, yeah, but, but, yeah, so yeah, I think churches need to start doing that. Yeah, you know, and I don't feel like I belong into what is called church anymore the establishment of the institution of church, but I know plenty of people who benefit from it. And there are good churches out there as well who aren’t kind of doing this fundamentalist in our kind of way of believing. We just have to look for them. But churches need to let go of this, “My way is the only way”. My belief system is the only belief system. My theology is the only theology and concurrently kind of silencing or dismissing or ignoring anyone who disagrees with them. You know?

We see this play out politically as well, especially in America because what happened is Barack Obama won. So aggressive fundamentalists Oh, we've won. We've won the argument. Therefore, all conservatives have to shut up and listen to us now. We're in charge we won so we won the cultural war. So just listen to us. We will we have all the answers. And this alienated a lot of people who felt that their voices weren't being heard just because they disagreed a little bit with the progressive movement. And they weren't bad people. They just disagree.

So, Trump comes along, and he speaks to these people and says, I'm listening to you. I'm paying attention to you. I will meet your needs, this is what I'm going to do. And even though they didn't like him, some of them voted for him anyway because at least he was listening to them. And this is what happens when you get into kind of a dualistic in-out kind of way of believing. You end up alienating good people.

Because there are good people who believe things different to you, you know, when Donald Trump got elected, I made a point of asking my friends who had voted for him why they voted for him, because I wanted to understand and when I heard their, their, their stories, it was like, Oh, right. That makes sense. I don't agree with what you did. I don't agree with your views, but I get why you voted for him because you were concerned about your job. You're concerned about your health care, you're concerned about your children, you're concerned about getting food on the table, and those are legitimate concerns and people feel like somebody is paying more attention to them, then they're going to vote for them and other people. Yeah, that's understandable.

They weren't racist or, like sexist or misogynist or whatever, just because they voted for Trump. They have their own stories and reasons. And the key to beating Trump is to actually start listening to those people and try and acknowledge what their concerns are and start saying, “okay, okay, I'm willing to listen now and hear you without compromising on your values or your politics”, you know, it's so that is that I mean, okay, that's a little bit of politics.

So I do talk about politics a little bit, but, but it but it applies, but it applies in terms of in the church as well, because we have to start listening to people who disagree with us, theologically. We have people from different backgrounds and different stories, we have to start listening to each other.

Listening to each other, it doesn't mean we agree, it doesn't mean we accept what they believe. It doesn't mean that we, yeah, it doesn't mean that we have to become the same as them. It just means that we're willing to listen, have a grown up conversation. And that's, that's helpful. You know, that maybe that we might, they might shift towards where we are a little bit more. Or maybe we could learn from them as well.

Seth Price 46:32

Yeah, maybe we both shift.

James Prescott 46:34

Yeah, yeah. Both shift, you know, and you become healthier that way, and it's less angry and less divisive and less childish.

Seth Price 46:46

Yeah. Last question, James. Last question. It's, it's become my question of the year and I'm loving it every single time. So you're actually so I'm gonna blame it on the earliness of the morning. I usually give people a warning at the beginning of the show. What I'm going to ask in this last question, I didn't do that to you so it's unfair to you, I apologize. So because it's I felt like it's a bigger question than the question is, um, so when you as James Prescott say, hey person across the table from me, hey person listening to the show, when I say the word God or when I think about the divine or when I, when I'm trying to explain what God is to me, what is that to you? How do you try to explain the divine? What words are you able to give to that I should have given you a warning. I'm sorry.

James Prescott 47:35

Wow…Yeah. The Divine to me is love. Inclusion all around us, wherever we look for him or her. And also, this isn't my word, but

Seth Price 48:00

No, it doesn't have to be one word. It's fine.

James Prescott 48:02

My relationship with God is an honest open one where it is not subservient. Where we wrestle with things, where I talk to him or her about everything, and I'm honest. And if I've got questions or angry or I don't understand something, I will just say that. And it's not with a bitterness or rage or anything like that. It's just honest wrestling, like I still love you. And I still acknowledge you exist, I still acknowledge you, will love and acknowledge that you are everywhere I look for you, I can find you. And somehow you are orchestrating some of this stuff that's going on in my life. But I still have questions and I still want to know some answers. And I still don't understand a few things. And I’m still angry with you sometimes.

And it's like a grown up relationship. You know, where it's not like, oh, you're your wife, everything. I'm just going to bow before you in just accept whatever you say. It's more, I acknowledge who you are, I love who you are or your best and I just but I have all these things I want to wrestle with and I want to work through with you. Like, it's like a real kind of grown up relationship. And that's where I can get on board with God. You know? That's, that's kind of where I go. Where I meet with God and it's a much healthier place for me, I think.

And because I can't do the kind of whole subservient, like God is above everything. But is it just not question here with I should not. And he's just he system has always always has all the answers and everything that I can't deal with that God at the moment anyway.

Seth Price 49:53

Thank you. Yeah, I should have I apologize. I should have warned you ahead.

James Prescott 49:59

It’s okay honestly, it was actually good to be out of the blue because I didn't have time to think about it. Just go with what it was.

Seth Price 50:06

Yeah, it's been it's been really fun to listen to people's answers. Where would you send people to James as they're listening to this? And they're like, Alright, so he's got a podcast called Poema. Where would you point people to if they wanted to, you know, hear more from you read more from you, you know, reach out to you whatever they want to do.

James Prescott 50:30

On social media, Twitter and Instagram, especially @JamesPrescott77. And I do interact with people or I do have conversations and I do say hi. So do come and say, hi.

I have a Facebook group for my podcast, which is called poema podcast continuing the conversation. And so in there, I post quotes from the podcast and you have discussions. We talked about what was happening in the podcast and trying to build a little community there of listeners and things. So by becoming the icon that's on Facebook and Poema podcast has a Facebook page and I have a web page as well JamesPrescottwriter. I have my website is JamesPrescott.co.UK. I'm also on medium and obviously this the podcast as well, which is the Poema podcast, which is anywhere you get podcasts. Just look for a podcast. It'll have my name on it.

So, yeah, I would really love to connect with you and hear from your listeners and stuff.

Seth Price 51:48

Well, thank you again for your Saturday morning. I've enjoyed the conversation and I genuinely think certainty, trauma, grief, doubt they're all so commingled. And I meant what I said a few days ago on the internet like, it's gone. It's kind of killed the church. If we can't get that above anything else, I think just turns people off. So thank you so much for coming on.

James Prescott 52:16

You are welcome, anytime.

Seth Price Outro 52:29

This show is completely supported 197% by the patrons. It is an honor and a privilege to not have to do any advertisements on the show. And so I would ask you to support the show rate and review, t's easy, it's simple and it's free.

But also click the button become a Patreon supporter of the show. There is a lot going on there and I am trying to add more things to there. But I look forward to meeting you, there, consider it.

Thank you for listening.

I hope that you are so very blessed and you know that your beloved. We will talk next week.